Good Grief 99

Reflections ....
So which is the real tree ... this one, or the one that exists outside of this frame?
Both parts of self I guess, both are parts of the place, the moment in which they exist, both parts of a life and existence that might well be beyond any of our limited vision.
There was the bit of me that outwardly lived today and the bit of me that is dead and dying or willing it. I get so sick of the daily struggle. Each day I think it might get better. I had nearly 4 days this week when I thought I was stronger. I can't remember the last spell like that. I think there were a few days last year at some point and maybe another very brief spell somewhere else in the last nearly 4 years. It wouldn't add up to more than 2 weeks in total. Is it worth it? Really? ... Really?
Of course, that begs the question what is 'worth it'?
I feel my job is of some worth but am finding it a desperate struggle to connect in any other way that feels sustainable. I wish I could switch that attachment bit of my brain off. I am better off on my own but have to live in the world and am finding it more than I can bear.
I was thinking again of kendall's post and thinking how much of my life I have spent dipping in and out - early 20's, mid 30's - early 40's, and now ... and earlier life that was less clearly articulated.
Yet again I forced myself into the world today - with force, fire and passion enough to hurtle and shock myself into the day.
I didn't hang around, I couldn't sustain it for long and then drove out to my friend's which was really hard too, I felt sick with the effort but forced myself to take a Christmas present round (some of the sloe gin) - it was as much as I could do to stay for a cup of tea.
I know it is a mix of complex grief and depression - I know it, I understand it ... f#*%d if I can get on top of it and it makes me despair.
I cannot begin to describe the effort .... but what choice?
You either do or you don't.