Oh! They really pack 'em in

Dear Andy,

Did you ever realise that the whole of your Wimbledon challenge is decided by how tightly I clench my buttocks?

A few years ago, when I started to watch you play, and I realised that when I clenched my buttocks, you score more points.

Realising the momentous potential behind this, I have been recruiting buttock clenchers the UK over, and we build up to your matches with 10 minutes interval clenching.

Once you are on court, we do simultaneous clenching. Relaxing a little when you are on a roll (because it is so difficult to keep them clenched for 4 hours at a time); and then tightening up again when you flag.

Yesterday was a trial.

Today my butt cheeks are sore.

I'm not sure whether they will be fully recovered tomorrow, and if not, I'm sorry.

But if I fail you tomorrow, I promise this; I will practise my buttock clenching from now until next Wimbledon, just so that they are strong enough to see you through to the final.

I did take a picture of my bare butt but I have been reprimanded very severely by my husband and have been told if I do that again he will remove all photographic equipment from me.