Going Solo

Champagne, for one.... Actually I had dinner with my mum and dad, so there were three of us drinking Champagne. Except I had two sips as I don't really like it. 

I had no plans tonight. Which I knew in advance. After last year, I vowed never to go to London on New Years Eve ever again, unless I had somewhere to stay! Last year I had a good night with my friends, but it was spoiled somewhat by the four hour walk around Waterloo to get back into it. Absolute carnage. But as the day drew on I sort of wished I was going. I love London. If I had made plans I might have booked a cheap hotel for the night, to avoid the train chaos, but I've already been away this month and I should be reigning in my spending, not adding to it. 

So the crash later was inevitable really. My unease spilled over and my dad made a little joke about not going out, and that was enough to start the tears flowing and the walls to crumble. I suspect they're sort of used to it by now. I've always been quite sensitive, and the one of the three of us that dissolved into tears when we were shouted at when we were kids, but in the last few months I think it's fair to say things have been trying. I just don't seem to feel any better. I actually googled last night ' how do you know if you're clinically depressed'. I've been thinking I'm sad, I have been for three months. But I don't think I'm depressed, as I maintain my home, get my groceries, go to my hobbies, and most importantly, put my makeup on every day! I don't know. There are small things that have changed. I don't wear blusher anymore, I don't want to look cheery. If I can get away without putting a bra on under my shirt, I won't bother. When I'm home I keep thinking I'll sit downstairs and put the TV on, especially as it's the Christmas holidays and I'm not too tired, but I haven't. I don't know why. Maybe they are little indicators that something's amiss. I was given some meds for anxiety back in November, but I never took them. I don't like the idea of being dependent on tablets. But I'm starting to wonder if I should. 

I am just so sad. I look around, and I have lots of things to be thankful for. I love that little dog more than words can say, ditto my amazing mum. Even my dad has been genuinely good company and quite supportive. Little Ro I have been horrible to. Even she has said a few times that I was nicer before  I lost Tim. And she's right. Because I was happy, I was able to give. I could give her something, and now I have nothing to give. I don't look at the world with joy. When you are happy, and you are making plans, and life is making you happy, the world seems brighter. As a family we have been ostracised by my other sister and her husband, and I just can't be bothered to fix it. I am always the giver, and I get nothing in return. I think however hard I try not to be, I'm still angry with her. It seems a bit sad that it's tipping into the new year, but it's always up to me to put it right. And I won't. I don't know why.

Last night I went home and sobbed. I took a bath, and pulled myself together. I generally don't cry often, despite what I said, but maybe every now and then you need to let it all out. I listened to the fireworks and felt nothing about the new year. I know I felt a bit sad last year, and yet look at what, by and large, and amazing year it has been. I've had so many fantastic experiences that I could never have imagined. I've continued learning and understanding myself and my family, through sessions with A. I've travelled alone for the first time, and then repeated it twice more. And the greatest of all, was being in a great relationship with an amazing man who thought the world of me. And vice versa. And now it's gone, and so hard to bear. 2015 was a great year until the last three months, and I feel so hard done by. I see everybody else on Facebook, posting about how happy they are, and with somebody standing beside them. And yet again, it's tangible, but it's slipped through my grasp once more, like the unattainable goal. 

My dad was a bit sad that he'd upset me, but I told my mum to tell him that he didn't really, it was coming anyways. As I left, I told her, nothing can fix this, going to law school won't fix this, etc. 

So here I am. Alone again. I spent a couple of months working on what's becoming a tradition for me- a video set to music of all my photos this year. I chose a song I love "It Wouldn't Be This", by The Stellas ( think Lennon and Maisy in Nashville). I think it tells the story of my year, and I am trying to celebrate all the things I am thankful for. The happiness I shared with Tim, traipsing all over London almost every weekend until September! The support he gave me by coming to a school event that no others would have! The amazing glimpse into his hometown and Amsterdam the short while I was there. And all the good times I shared with my own family, of which he became a part of. The words in the song are "it wouldn't be this". And it surely wouldn't, if all of these things hadn't been. I have a friend who believes that wherever you are, that's right where you're meant to be. I suppose I have to believe that's true.

Last Year I wrote that whatever happens, I'll be ok. Well the last few months have made me seriously doubt that. I'm hanging on by a thread. My poor journal has become a window to my grief, a way to express all of my thoughts rather than drowning people in real life. I don't care if anyone reads it, it's for me. So that hopefully, in time, I'll be able to realise how far I've come. 

As well as having a great partner and then losing him, 2015 is looking like a bang up year- I've also managed to get a job in a different country and turn it down, and gain a place at law school which I may possibly turn down....!

I do hope that 2016 will be a little kinder to me, and everybody, especially emotionally. Nobody should suffer, and yet everybody does, in their own way. 

I suppose I need to develop resilience in the coming year, the ability to tackle and rise above challenges rather than let them own me, like they have of late. 

Most of all I pray for peace and comfort. Where I'll be in another year I don't know, nobody does. I hope that I am blessed with wonderful experiences as I have been this year, but please God, do you think you could try not to take it away next time? ;-)

My Year in Pictures- 2015
* It's SUPER long, so I'm sure you'll get bored, but take a look :-) My mum and sis checked out after 5 mins- lame!