Decorating done

I've been miserable, in tears for most of this morning and just feeling totally rubbish, worthless and inadequate.

I hate that I've been on my arse all week and not done a thing, I feel that I've just been wasting all of my time. I get up and my day is a haze of drugs (I have actually cut back considerably on the pain relief now) and well not very much.

I know that I needed rest and this was an extreme way to go about it but it's not so much of a rest as a change of scene that I think I really need, a recharge, a reconnection with things that give me joy.

I really can't remember the last time I just created because I could and because I enjoy it. I don't remember the last time I went out for a walk to look around and see the beauty in a moment. I don't remember the last time that I wanted to do something and planned and looked forwards to it.

Anyway I had another night that I slept through. I'm not so bad, my tummy is yellow and it still looks like a spider has curled up and died in my belly button.