Wishing Tree/thinking aloud (12)

Thinking aloud series starts here.

All day (after receiving the ludicrously funny celebratory email) I was bouncing with gratitude to this person for getting me out of a situation that was not good for me.  I saw my projection of being mad at them for letting it go on so long - when in fact I should have taken myself out of the situation months before.  

At the same time I was bedevilled by the conviction that neither of us could have done anything different.  Gurdjieff says “Things happen in the only way they can.”  And I think that there is some truth in that.  

I was still struggling to find what I had to say.  In my notebook on that day I wrote

“What has surfaced now is the realization that it is taboo for me to say to this person [or to anyone who is being insensitive to the point of cruelty] that they are WRONG and what they did was hurtful/stupid/ignorant etc.  I can think it but cannot say it directly - saying that word ‘hurtful’ is a step way too far, in childhood it was the most dangerous thing to say.  Sadists and narcissists hurt you more when they see your pain.  

That’s why these lines from Pretty Woman stay with me always
Julia Roberts: “You hurt me.”  
Richard Gere: “Yes.  I know.  I’m sorry”  
Julia Roberts: “Don’t do it again.” 
=> repair and reconciliation, a genuine apology and remorse.”

I drafted another iteration of my evolving truth and waited to see if I felt it might be appropriate to send.

Dear  X

It has taken me two weeks to get down off my high horse of indignation and outrage, to process the hurt and sadness behind those defences.  I have thought long and hard about whether I should just let this drop, walk away saying, “It’s just not for me.”  In the end I feeI I have to say something.  I hope that you will learn from this as I have.  I hope that I have been more honest than unkind.

With the benefit of hindsight this is what I wish could have happened.  

Then followed a wish list of eight items detailing how I would have liked the issues to have been handled i.e. how I would like to have been treated.  

Ending with:

Finally, I would have preferred not to have received the glowing email about how wonderful the event I had just been excluded from was.

These are a like a child’s wishes, for a fairer, kinder, more just world.  I know that you could not do other than you did, any more than I could.  All this is a source of sadness to me.  I wish you well and feel that it’s a great pity that things have ended in this way.

This draft lay unsent in the computer overnight.  This was my post the next day, the same day that real live grenades were being thrown in Paris.