Memories...

"When one realizes
One is asleep,
At that moment
One is already half-awake."

So very true about today's random quote...all it takes is one moment...to bring your attention to something that you want to change...bring it to the surface.

Last nights dinner with my friend was just what I needed. Had a horrible time getting there though - what would have taken about 20 minutes to get there, ended up taking over an hour. There is a lot road work being done on about a one mile stretch near the restaurant. And it is in a college area - so traffic on a Saturday night is always bad. The weather didn't help either - extremely windy, raining hard, and add fog in there as well! But I finally got there! Tera was right behind me - a few mins late. Shes so funny - she went into the wrong restaurant - the backs of all the restaurants on that street look the same...they're old homes ;)

The food was absooolutely amazing. The owner's son was there - I've chatted with him a few times. Probably the best Indian restaurant in town...it's owned by a great family and the service is priceless. We ordered our usual and brewed chai - that took a while, they had to make fresh. I could eat Indian food every single day, that's the one thing Noah liked as well. I wish I could cook it...I mean I can if I go buy an entire grocery store of spices and I want my house to smell like curry for a week. It's strong. I've made a few dishes and as much as I love the scent, it's strong.

Food was great...conversation better. We just caught up on what has been going on with each other. Tera is going through some rough times - she needed to vent herself. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear. I have friends, but I don't have a lot of close ones that I can say I truly trust, she is one of them...so we make the time when we need to talk. Four hours passed and we just decided to leave the movie for maybe next weekend...with the weather and me being tired, it was a good idea.

Got home and took a bath...did some reading...I couldn't sleep. I guess the four hour conversation just had a hold of me a bit. I was thinking about Noah. I asked him yesterday to stop bringing up memories. He sent me a text telling me that he heard a song that reminded him of the cabin we stayed at one time. I was out pumping gas in my car...read it and broke down crying right there. I cant keep doing that. I don't know why he is doing that...if its because he misses me, if hes thinking about me, just something that crossed his mind, if its helping him heal...out of habit...I don't know...but right now I really don't want to ask, if he wants to tell me, he can tell me. But he is doing all the sweet little things that he knows mean a lot to me...his random texts...like watching the sunset the other night...I love those things about Noah...that he takes the time to tell me about them...his moments. Because no matter where we were...how far apart...we were still very connected.

Right now its about me...ME trying to get through one single day w/out crying. As much as I love hearing about all of those memories...because we have some amazing ones that we've created...those same memories that warmed my heart are now hurting me. Because the love I believed in, the love that thrived on those passions and memories...it simply hurts to allow myself to go back to that...memories are strong with me...I hold them close my heart. And it doesn't feel good going down that road thinking about all the great things we've done. It makes me miss us, him and it makes me want it all back. This isn't fair...it's not the way things were supposed to turn out...the betrayal hurts. If I could take all of this away and have us go back to the amazing us...I would...in a heartbeat. Right now...priority is to heal...I want to wake up one day and not cry...just one freaking day. Today is not that day...maybe tomorrow, or the next...who knows.

I love scents...I'm definitely a visual and scent type of person. Decided to blip my favorite perfume in the entire world. I was at Bigelow last year and out of the blue I smelled it. I tracked down the scent and found the section where they had it. I was soooo happy-havent been able to find it in the states! Purchased it right there...Aqua di Parma's Blu Mediterraneo...Arancia di Capri.. And yes, it truly does capture the essence of Capri! The scent just brings back so many memories of my childhood...every single time I put it on. It's fresh...crisp...w/ a hint of Sicilian oranges and tangerines...Sorrento lemons...mate leaves...with a hint of warm cardamom oil. I miss Italy. I miss everything about it actually...endless days on the Tuscan coast...I know in my heart I will end up back there again...or Greece. Yeah, this scent takes me back all over again...to my childhood.

It's windy and cold still this morning, but Im almost tempted to layer up and go on a hike...I need to get outside...get some fresh air.