fallen leaves

i snapped these on the way into the park on my way to work, after a reasonable morning at the gym, feeling ok. now i feel rather blown about, battered and trampled myself.

asked a mutual friend if he'd heard from himself and he had, which was unsurprising but made me kinda hollow - i hate this feeling that he doesn't want to talk to me, we were so close. then some conversation that i probly shouldn't have started because mr mutual friend really doesn't want to be involved (and fair enough), but i started all the same. in the midst came this line: "... be open to someone more suited coming along. cos that's not you two." er, what? i know the circumstances mean it's impossible right now, but if they weren't we'd still be screwed? did i miss a memo? i thought we clicked so well i'd met 'the one' (as they say in the magazines); to be told we're incompatible is like having the rug pulled out from under me all over again.

yes, i'm wallowing slightly, but you've been forgiving so far so i beg indulgence once more when i say that i really feel quite shit after that. things are so precarious with this situation right now and i just didn't need to hear something like that from a third party. i don't really believe this because i know what i felt, but it's been buzzing round my skull all night: 'do you *really* know what he felt? maybe he was faking it all along? maybe it was just an ego-boost that got out of hand, something handy to have that he didn't want to put down but didn't really want to pick up permanently.' and so on...

a conversation to clear the air, and fix this, and then a hug. is that so much to ask for? i know he's a bloke, but really, is it too much to ask?