Dad & Daughter

It's finally half-term. I spotted these two, dad and daughter I assumed, having a little chat at the station. Her little legs dangling in her knee socks, with an overnight bag on the floor.

I went to Flugel Friday at De Hems. My friend K was going, and guy friend was DJing, so with slight apprehension I went. I wanted to go out and feel good about myself again. I chatted to the girls, and another friend is in the same boat as me, and you could see the pain written all over her face. She said she'd had a good cry on the way there. I felt very sad for her, but yet it was nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

And it was a lively and fun evening. I felt pangs of guilt for being there with guy-friend, and purposefully didn't tag myself there or put any pictures up in case Tim saw. I missed him. I wished I didn't have to go there, I should have been out with him. But in the absence of that, I can't just sit at home feeling quite honestly, suicidal, as I have from time to time. And the night gave me the boost I needed, as I caught up with a lot of people I hadn't seen since I spent every weekend with Tim. 

I walked back to the station with guy friend, and we had a good chat. It was really nice, because it felt friendly, and I know I have absolutely zero desire to ever rekindle what we had. But it was nice to get his perspective on what happened, and I asked him what he would do, whilst making it clear I am still very much in love with Tim. His relationship broke down a few months ago, so we sort of commiserated in a light hearted way. 

I suppose it showed me two things. That I am TOTALLY over what happened with us, and I can be friends with him, which last year was what I wanted. And even though I feel I've lost Tim, this showed me that maybe we can get to that place too (again, I really don't want to have to, but it show's me that it's possible in time). 

A lot can change in a year. I am supposed to be meeting up with Tim next week but I haven't organised it yet. I suppose he could change his mind. I want to see him, and want to have fun, but today I'm feeling quite angry about it all and I feel I have to keep that all in check.

I keep trying to go home, but a friend of ours, S, tagged Tim out with her friends " ladies night out, and someone's benefitting...!" And that sent me into floods of tears and wishing I were dead all over again.

I think I'll have to unfollow on Facebook, as guy friend said " don't torture yourself".....


* It should be noted that after my great night out, taking the last train at 01:05am and getting home at 2am, that the house phone rang and mum and I then had to drive to Chobham to collect Little R, who had had too much to drink.... Good job I never actually got to bed.....