Color...

"A person who is not disturbed
by the incessant flow of desires
that enter like rivers into the
ocean, which is ever being
filled but is always still -
can alone achieve peace,
and not the man who strives
to satisfy such desires."

Another appropriate quote for today, goes perfect with what I want to talk about. Selfishness is devotion to or concern with one's own advantage or welfare to the exclusion of regard for others. To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

That last sentence is so very true! Says it all...I had a selfish ex...he said it himself, almost as if he was proud. I knew it was there, I can spot a selfish person miles away...but never thought it would apply to us. I just somehow got caught up in it all believed other wise...fell in love with the other side of him...his amazing heart. He is truly one of the most beautiful and passionate people you will ever come across...that's still in him. I know it's life and stuff happens, but it's not fair...it hurts. It's not fair to the people who trust them, love them, support, and give it their all.

We are truly two different people right now and who knows, maybe this will work in another life...or this later down the line. I've been in his shoes...trust me, it takes one to know one. I was a selfish brat all of my life - I thought the world owed me everything and I was invisible. Everything I wanted I got - no matter who got in the way. I can count on one hand the incidents that turned my life around - I can recall the days, the hours, the moments that changed me. Those moments that made me realize that it wasn't just about me, that I can count on others, that I do need support and love...that I didnt know it all. I learned these lessons when I was quite young.

The most influential moment was when I was sitting in a hospital bed. I was there due to being young and stupid - I made horrible decisions about my eating habits - I was a teenager, didn't know better. I was listening to the doctors talking to my parents outside...I could barely hear their words...then I heard the sound of the heart monitor...the beeping...it was weak, it was so loud in my head. Then my eyes went to the sunset outside my window. I was drifting away...and I knew it - glanced over at my family, they were in tears. I made a promise that if I got through that night...for the next minute, the next hour, that I would cherish every single day, catch every single sunset.

I made it through the night...and another...weeks later I healthy enough to leave. Miracle they called it. I've heard that quite a few times in my 30 years on this earth...I should have died a few times...I even was clinically dead once-for a half hour...but I keep coming back for some reason. Every single thing that has occurred to me - every tragedy - has made me into who I am today. Lessons learned from each one. I'm sure I'll have a lesson out of this as well - down the line...or maybe the lesson is for Noah, and not for me.

I'm passionate. I'm loving, forgiving, and giving. I respect others...I'm honest, treat people how I want to be treated. Mostly, I'm just simple...simple as they come. So even to this day - I will stop whatever I am doing and just watch the sunset...because I can...because its so amazing that every single day is so different...so beautiful. We tend to forget life is all about and just walk about like robots...stuck in our routines and plans...Im guilty of that myself at times, but a sunset to me means hope, change, beauty, passion, love...life. It's my little reminder that it's not all about me...it's what truly grounds me.

These are lessons that you can't simply inject in people. Noah needs to learn quite a few life lessons himself. In his own time. By himself. Especially about his music. Success based on selfishness always ends up with shame and guilt. I've made some huge mistakes in my life and hurt a lot of people...of course I placed blame on others, everyone else had the problems, and stood in the way...I was perfect, all of my decisions were right. It's so funny to think back on those times...my mentality...how out of touch with reality I truly was. I've forgiven myself and mended my mistakes...let them go...and moved on.

On a positive note...today is the Big day...my presentation is late this afternoon! Finally! Im excited, happy, proud! I needed some color in my life so blipped my freezer ;) It's been rainy and gray for the past few days...I miss the Southwest sunshine...look forward to going back end of December.

Looking forward to this weekend...I have dinner planned Saturday with a friend who I haven't seen in a while...I initially said no, but I changed my mind...need to move on...besides, it's just dinner...with a friend...sitting down...enjoying a meal! Yeah, we'll see if Im ready...