The Sponsored Climbing Wall...

A group of dashing young Port Appin males are preparing for their holidays to the English Lake District. They have devised a cunning strategy to win over the beautiful girls (and boys) of Cumbria...

Chris MacBonnylad briefed the group before their departure...

"Imagine you're in a friendly Cumbrian pub and you want to attract the attention of some voluptuous young nymph or hunk nearby? You could knock your drink over or shout across, "Hey Darl' you've pulled". Everyone will look at you, fine, but the next stage is usually rejection, ejection, a clump or all three. Not what you had in mind eh? Now maybe if they thought you were a ruffy tuffy mountain climber... So get some practice in on the sponsored climbing wall first....

Now then, when we get there keep away from anyone who knows what they are talking about. Keep out of climbers pubs. You can usually spot these by the pipe smoke coming out of the extractors and the raucous behaviour inside. If in doubt you should know that the pub cat will be nowhere to be seen, and all dogs will be sitting down.

To look the part, buy some gear. A couple of Karabiners on your belt or holding your car keys looks good. Karabiners are those clip (Snap) or screw (Screwgate for main belays) things that people use with anchors, hex's, chocks, nuts and slings when they dangle from cracks. Call them 'Krabs' to impress. A nod and a wink and a reference to your 'flexible friend' will raise eyebrows or get you thumped. You ought to know that it's a securing device for difficult cracks.

Wear your harness over your climbing tights if you must, but take it off before going into restaurants and public toilets. Leave your climbing hat off when out in the evening. They are not as silly looking as mountain bike hats but will attract the wrong sort of attention. There is no need to shave or wash regulary. We are not cissies.

Don't go into certain pubs wearing skin-clinging Lycra, this can give the wrong impression and a chalk bag strapped to your bottom with the associated hand marks also gives cause for concern - or speculation - amongst the locals. Also when your hands are covered in chalk you MUST take care where you scratch yourself.

Learn about mountains. They're big and made of rock. Always mention Scafell. Everyone knows it's a big'un. Dow Crag also has a high cred rating. Start any mountain story with a regular sprinkling of words like extreme, severe, harsh, hazardous, high risk and the like. Use words like arête, nose, shelf, corner, groove, chimney, pinnacle, ledge, overhang,scree, slab and ridge liberally. Fissure, fracture, crack, cleft, crevice and cavity all add to your appeal. Tell them "I only do 'hard, extremely severe' graded climbs, E7's y'know".

Remember, you've left your ropes in the car but call it a 'hawser-laid' rope or a 'kernmantle'. If challenged just say you use both and in a variety of sizes and respond quickly with "What do you use"? Knowledge of knots can be an advantage. Clove hitches are common. Be careful not to say 'sheepshank' after a few bevies.

Always include a scary story. They love it. Use something like "I was leading this multi-pitch, I had moved from a medium jug to a hand jam when the second lost it and I had to belay....300 feet down, ...bleeding hands, etc".

Do not use the word Wainwright. Never mention Little Mell Fell. Remember, ascending means up-over. If anyone wants to get specific, say "Great Gable, you must know it, over near Sellafield".

Please note, some places don't allow boots or dogs". OK, let's go for it!!!