Choke.

I'll pray until I cannot breathe any longer.
I'm listening to Wild Ones by Flo Rida and Sia, remembering the way we stood against your bench and kissed. How happy we were, remembering the feeling of seeing your name pop up on my phone and feeling my chest start to pound because I was so excited to talk to you, the way you used to look at me like I was the world. I love you so much and this song makes me cry remembering how perfect we were, and are together. I'm so scared of what i've become. I'm really sorry that I changed. I love you, I love you I love you I love you. I'm so unhappy like this, I want to hug you and I want it to be how it was. I'm going to pray for it to go back because I can't cope like this. When the main chorus plays in this song I just stare off ahead of me, remembering wiping the ink off your face at your party, remembering hearing you were going to die, remembering sitting in the bath with you telling you it'll be ok. I remember it all so terrifyingly clear, and it's horrible. I'd give anything to have all the bad stuff back just to be able to be with my perfect girl again, I feel like you're the one. I'm so terrifyingly in love with you, and it's choking me.

I am trapped in this room knowing only that I have nothing, I have burnt away the feeling in my fingertips and I have smoked all of my tabs. I have wasted each minute that I could be holding you, on sitting here with tears splattering onto my keyboard as I retrace the steps in my mind of how I fucked what little I had left, up, into nothing.

This is my room, and now, this is how I see it, a dark and bloody place filled with sharp memories, and as I walk past each word she wrote it cuts my skin and I fall to my knees, to find my cat staring apologetically as my life crumbles around us. She knows this is killing me. She knows, she can see that there is nothing left in my eyes but sadness, and she curls up beside me as I shake with tears and eventually stop breathing and go to sleep.

I have no reason to try anymore and I have no means to try with, I am grateful for my cat as without her I would be long since dead. I will stick around to hold her and make sure she's alright. I will walk through my life having already exhausted all of the happiness I will get, for as I move from place to place I bring ruin, and misery and it will not stop. I am moving away again, but soon enough, I will return, for I can't change my ways, and my ways aren't wanted by anyone at all.

I am alone now, in my mind, and in the flesh, totally alone. Whispers in my head read through all the writing surrounding me, as I light up a tab in my empty room. I have gone beyond caring. My parents are out and I will smoke as I wish, I do not have any more reasons to smile, and the punishment they'd give wouldn't even come close to the pain that's taken up residence inside me.

I am a destroyer of love, and of friendship, but I too am destroyed, myself.