Water performance.....

Some people are very attractive to others. You'd never know it from my profile picture, but I'm one of those people.

Unfortunately, the people I attract are invariably completely barking mad and/or drunk. Honestly, I could be in a room with 1000 normal people and one dribbling lunatic....and guess who would attach himself to me immediately? Yes. The one who thinks he's a pink frog called Penelope.

There I was yesterday, back at my favourite lily pond, snapping away happily, when I became aware that someone was practically standing on top of me - an enormous fellow with a three foot beard which smelled of cheese (I told you he was very close) and skin the colour of turnip.

"Are you taking photographs?" he asked suspiciously. I had a camera in one hand, my mobile in the other and was making clickety click noises with both, so it was a reasonable assumption.

"No," I replied (because I'm a bit sarky when I'm irritated.) "I'm making marmalade."

"I made marmalade once," he said, winding his cheesy beard round a twig, "but I didn't have oranges, so I used meringues." I was then treated to a ten minute dissertation on the merits of how you should make meringues without eggs, before he shuffled off to accost some other poor soul.

Eggless meringue marmalade. I've never heard Mary Berry mention that one on the Bake Off......