Five...

Early blip today...ran across this beautiful leaf...my appreciation of the day.

"Be realistic. Plan for a Miracle."

Tired this morning - went out with friends last night - didnt get in until early this morning.

I think a shift in my feelings is occurring - as much as I've been missing Noah and hurting, and I still do...I think anger is setting in. I felt it last night during a random text from him in the middle of the night. Im angry and pissed - even though I may not feel it 100%, its there.

How does one go to sleep and wake up next to someone when they are playing games...or even dare look you in your eyes and tell you they love you when the day before their attention was elsewhere, on someone else?! Sit there during dinner and text under the table to someone else...seriously, who f'ing does that?!! Obviously someone who has absolutely no love or respect for himself.

I dont deserve that, I dont need that in my life and he knows that. I am a great person and have treated him with nothing but love and respect...and supported him with everything he has ever wanted to be and do. I just dont know at one point he decided that today was going to be the day that he made up his own rules and went with it...which is what he did...you dont make up rules as you go along...not in relationships...thats called being inconsiderate and selfish.

Maybe I do have a selfish boyfriend...because he just is...maybe I just fell for it all. I dont want someone like that. It's not who I spent a year and a half with - giving it my all...planning for a future, how he couldnt wait to marry me...start a life together. Maybe I never had that person...maybe he played me for a fool all along. Lots of maybe's...that he can only explain, but hes not talking.

Noah is sitting there in his own little world awake at 2am being bored and can't sleep...Im up at 2am because I simply just cant shut my mind and feelings down...because I cant stop missing him. Because I miss his goodnight calls and hearing the I Love You's...because I miss his voice.

I wish I could step into his shoes for one day to understand his thinking, his logic. Do what I want to do because I know I'll never be confronted about it...because she loves me and will always be faithful to me. Make up my own rules as I go along, just because I want to. Put myself and my needs first - never hers. Apologize for treating her wrong because I know she will always forgive me...

He doesnt get how much this hurts...maybe one day he will understand how it feels to love and to lose the one you because you simply took it all for granted. All for selfish little reasons. I know Im talking ahead here, we are still on a "break" and I dont know what hes feeling and thinking, but maybe I should just move on. Get off of our path that we were to take together - throw those dreams and goals that we set for ourselves aside and do my own thing. Is it what I want - no...I want our future...I want all the goals and dreams to come true...we set all of those things together - that we would attain them together...and what a list we had! He's forgotten...

Just starting to feel really angry and hurt today...even pissed...will he come around, can we get past all of this?!! He hasnt even made an attempt...maybe he cant get past his ego, his pride...or maybe he can't find the words...hes never been too good with words. Noah really is a good person, hes loving, passionate, has a great heart - I've seen it, felt it, thats what made me fall in love with him, I just dont know why he is scared to let good things happen to him. Like the quote today says...be realistic, plan for a miracle...

Yesterday...