He dare not wear lycra - a morality tale

What became of the bold Philippe almost no-one asks these days.

Well I'll tell you anyway.

The writing was on the wall for Philippe's cycling career as soon as Scotch eggs made a surprise appearance on the UCI's banned substances list. After the inevitable positive test, self-denial and all-too-public recriminations quickly followed.

After the denial came the depression and self-doubt. Swearing off the evil egg, Philippe turned from one supposedly quick fix to another but, unsurprisingly, his weight continued to balloon and excuses to avoid the bike became more and more pathetic.

Eventually he found hope in poetry and is tentatively moving back towards cycling through careful rehabilitation with the quasi-religious 'Wednesday Chapter' and their enigmatic leader.

So Philippe is on the way back. He can only manage a half-hub (while seated) just now but just you wait...