A disappointing start to the day

THE FICTION Rumours of the discovery of a new Egg Plant near Port Appin have brought the MacGreggor team from GR Eggs - purveyors of fine food and pasties - out in force.

Sure enough, they found a new growth big enough to supply the village with MacDoublers for a week or more. Alas, after digging for a while the stories of a bacon layer proved to be unfounded and the foreman called off any further probing.

THE FACT Mrs DB promised me a bacon and egg sarny this morning as I'd been so kind and generous yesterday having allowed her to buy anything she liked in Primarni's in Newcastle - up to £15.

This morning my sarny arrived - a little later than ordered - and after one bite your writer discovered all the bacon must have fallen out. I have to admit it was a shock and a bitter disappointment to find that my loved one had mislead me once she'd had all her own way with my wallet. Such is life.

Holding her up against the wall by her throat, (Tip: a sure way to get at the truth) - she admitted that it was for the good of my health. Isn't that a caring thought. She's a very caring person.