Dear Future Husband

Dear future husband,

I never thought I would write a letter to you publicly. Growing up, it would just be a letter or two to you each year if you cross my mind. But the 23 year old me thought hey, why not? As long as my letter to you today can either encourage or challenge someone, I'm okay with this.

I guess it might be because the 13 year old me thought the me now would be married. Or because I am getting the question "married yet?" more than "boyfriend?", that marriage has been on my mind. Not in the sense of fairy tale but more of

Do I really want it?
Am I ready for it?
But commitment still... Scares me.


It's been a year since I graduated from college and once again, I feel lost. Small. Uneducated and indescribably still confused about everything. From tax returns to bills to random work documents to "what does being an adult even mean?!?!?" I watch the younger ones that surrounds me being fascinated about my life as a young adult and hoping they would be in my shoes one day, when I'm the one wishing I was back in their shoes. Maybe it's because they still have a system telling them which grade they should go into next when I literally have... Nothing. Well, except grad school, boyfriendfiancethenhusband, then another job.

But is that all to it?

I would stay awake at night asking God if this is all to it. That if I am still being called into ministy, I don't know if that is what I am ready for. And if I am still called to be by your side for ministry, oh boy. You're in for a treat.


The point is, I hope I won't be your everything because I certaintly won't make you my everything. I have learned within this one year that I am a very, very selfish person once I get comfortable. I can only hope and pray that you'll love me more than I can love you because commitment also scares me. I never saw how a commitment looks like from moving around so much when I was young, and with so many friendships going in and out of my life so much. The only friends that have stayed by my side past 6 years was all a result from THEIR efforts into the friendship. And I do feel guilty from that.

I am a very broken person. We both will be, but I hope I can love all of you even when it's hard. I run away from conflicts, so I hope you're a gentle fighter. I am not good at showing affections, so I hope you can take my random acts of service heavier than words.

In the end, whoever you are and will be, please know that all I hope for is our relationship will be used for something much much greater than what we want for each other. Because at the end of the day, our brokenness may rule us over but He is good.



And as you can tell, my string of thoughts will always be scrabbled. Sorry!

Hope to watch your expressions as you read all of them at once because it'll be the most amusing thing ever to watch.


And can't wait to love and be loved by you.


Sincerely,

Me.