To the first man to ever love me.

Dear Dad,
Today would be your 57th Birthday, I can’t believe how fast time is going since you left us on New Years Eve of 2012. Two years ago today we went to Chatsworth to spread your ashes in the most beautiful place of them all, and I wish I could be up there today but I know you would rather me be at work. 
Loosing you was a weird, interesting , distressing  and the most learning and personal development that I have every had to do in the 21 years  I have been in the world. 

There is the numb stage where you feel nothing, not even tears, everyone feels bad and says sorry but that isn’t bringing you back. Which links very closely with the anger stage, I felt like  I went through this for a very long time and to be honest deep down I feel it now. I feel so angry at them taking YOU away, why couldn’t someone else go, not someone that was an inspiration to everyone he ever met. I get angry at the people closest to me and some days I just want to fight the world. Then there is the sad stage, when I was so sad nothing could make me happy, knowing that I had the most supportive family in the world and Mum being the angel from heaven making sure me and Jonny were always okay, safe and well.  I was so sad and I still get emotional, my 21st birthday a couple of weeks ago made me miss you again, it felt like you had just been taken for us that day.
It is so weird when the rush of emotion just comes flooding back, or when you appear in my dreams and I can’t have you back. The images of you are so vivid and I know that it’s just my imagination but it feels so real, that is when the anger and the numbness return. When you can't explain why the night terrors are so bad, why do I wake up yelling, sobbing in sadness.
I then go through this state of trying to understand why, what was the reason. How does this even happen. Why do we have to go through grief? It is a vicious circle, and it happens to EVERYONE each generation of families of human beings go through a state of grief one day in their life. So although I have found some sort of comfort, I am still in deep search of happiness. My inner happiness, because personally I am scared to let myself go and be completely happy because I know one day I will have to go through it all again. But then again could it be different because I am not just a lost 18year old girl who saw your illness each and every day for 5 years of my childhood. The years when most teenagers are searching for their happiness and inner personality, I was preparing for grief whilst hoping each day for a miracle to happen.

Through the darkest of times I still have to solider through, life happens for a crazy reason even if nobody knows that reason I have had my dark moments but each time I manage to pull my head together and remember all the fantastic things in your memory. Dad, I love that you continue to do things each and every day although you aren’t physically here, through our memories, your books and through Mum, Jonny and me. 
Jonny looks like you so much, and me I am just going to make you proud. Mum is amazing and she makes us smile each and every day knowing how strong she is, a true role model.

You were amazing, you are amazing and I don't believe my words will every truly express my gratitude for having you in my life, 18years of the best years of my life. 

In the future I may love a man a lot and someday I’ll marry him. But in the end let me remind you that nomatter what happens, I’ll love you and you’ll always be the best man I know. I promise you that I’ll always be your  little girl

With fathers day round the corner thank you for being the first man to ever love me.