Beauty is Skin Deep

“So Dave, where’s the delectable Paula tonight?” Dave rolled his eyes, “That damn beauty course, she’s obsessed.” Dave took another swig of beer. “It’s costing me a bloody fortune…nails, hair, sunbed...bloody credit card’s taken a beating.”

“Hey don’t knock it mate, my Lisa’s gone to pot since the baby. I mentioned the gym the other day and she actually threw a mug at me. Bloody hell she should be thanking me for caring how she looks. They moan when you don’t then they moan when you do, you can’t bloody win…’nother pint, mate?”

Dave slurped the last of his drink and nodded. “She’s practising in the shed…sorry the salon…tonight. Spends all day in there now since I titivated it. Her mate’s round for javazzling whilst she does something or other…I don’t know if it’s treatments or a bottle of wine. Fancy some crisps?” Dave bought a couple of bags and some pork scratchings. “Thank God we don’t have to faff around, shower ‘n’ shave…we don’t need javelling, what the heck is that anyway, sounds bloody painful?”

Dave shrugged. “God knows…pint?” Dave wiped the froth from his upper lip and nodded. “At least you’re going home to a looker, I’m going home to wife covered in baby sick slobbing on the sofa.” He nudged Dave, “Could be on a promise tonight, mate.” 

Dave loved it that Paula was a beauty, he liked to be seen with her, they were the Beckhams of Salford. He’d seen the look on the faces of the other guys from sales at the Christmas do, they had all been jealous, standing around with their frumpy wives who could only talk about their kids. Paula had told them about her beauty course and offered them all help with their problems. As she’d pointed out all their faults he had swelled with pride. He might moan about spending money on a beauty course but secretly he was pleased, especially when he’d noticed little lines gathering under Paula’s eyes…it had saved him broaching the subject of a face lift. He pulled his trousers up under his beer belly, drained his glass and puffed out his chest. “Well I need some return for my money, in fact think I’ll go and check on my investment now…see ya.”

Getting in the car Dave pulled out his mobile, “Hey sugar I’m coming home…want me to come down to the sh…er salon….what? I don’t care…look I’m…no I’m coming baby…I’m here now.” He shoved the phone in his pocket and wove his way down to the shed. “Hey baby, open another bottle of javazzal, Davey Boy’s here.”

“No Dave, please.” 

“Paula, let me in, I’ve paid for all this…your nails, your face even the bottles of javazzal, open the bloody door.” He took off his jacket and started on his belt. Paula’s friend slipped out of the door, her face was ashen, “Err I’ve got to...we tried to…sorry Dave I’ve got to go...” she ran across the grass to her car. Paula was moaning inside the shed and Dave stumbled across the lawn. As she moaned again he could feel his excitement rising, “I’m coming, Baby.” 

“Dave, it’s gone wrong, oh Dave.” 

His drunken fingers fumbled with his fly. “No mistake Sweetie, let’s heat up that sunbed.” 

“Oh Dave, I thought I was ready,” sobbed Paula. 

“Oh I’m ready…I’m more than ready…hah” the belt was undone. “Put that javazel on ice I’m ready, baby.” Paula stood in the doorway. Her face was swollen and purple. Her bloated lips quivered. “Jesus Christ!” Dave’s mouth hung open as he looked in horror. 

“Oh Dave, we’re covering botox next week but I thought I could do I now, I wanted to surprise you,” sobbed Paula. Dave gaped in revulsion and it wasn’t just his trousers that dropped towards the floor.