my heart.

It's been three years already.





I still remember the first day I woke up in Taiwan.

Pushing aside the curtain in my cousin's small one room apartment, my heart melted. To some, it may not be the most beautiful scenery, but to me, it was everything. I fell in love. I remember grabbing the camera immediately to capture the moment and everything that I was looking at. The buildings. The colored rooftops. Only if I were able to record down the quiet yet roaring sounds of the mo pads down below, and the AC humming behind me. My first morning walk with my cousins to grab breakfast.

I felt like I belonged.
It was perfect.
The next four months there were perfect.






It's been three years since I left.


On this quiet night, memories of people and all the places I went to came flooding into my head. I started clicking away on Facebook, looking at all the pictures and watching every single video that may give me access back to the land I fell in love with.

Ever since I graduated from college, no, even before I graduated from college, all I have ever been fighting and working hard for is a ticket back. Late nights of researching possible job opportunities and apartments and even schools has been happening for the past three years behind a lot of people's backs. With my lips it is easy to say I love Chicago, but not with my heart.




Then a question came to haunt me last week.



What if I want to go back permanently but He is planning to take me somewhere else?


Taiwan has been my comfort. Taiwan is my comfort.
It's the only place where I am surrounded by people who looks like me and yet completely different from me. It's the only place where I can get anything I want easily and yet, with a price. (I'll stop here because it'll get too personal, haha).

I was comfortable there.


But it's not always about comfort.


If you know me well, I hate conflicts. Challenges. Anything that disrupts my comfort, I am out. I avoid it as much as I can and as long as I can. And to be honest? Chicago has been a challenge. Good and bad, but challenging.

And so.
What if I have been wanting to go back to Taiwan because I want to avoid everything here?
Everything that have been challenging me to grow up. Relationships that have been challenging to face. Responsibilities that are challenging to handle.



Sadly, I cannot give an answer even to my own question, but all I know is,


it's been three years.


Three long years.






And I want to go back.