Sucker!

How to fix a hoover! 
First threaten it with a knife in order to unlodge mammoth bit of coal from it.
If that doesn't work which it didn't, then ram a garden hose up its proboscis .
Took me almost an hour of blood (from said knife) sweat  (and how!) and many many sweary words.
During all of this time said hoover was still connected and when I finally managed to get the bloody lump of coal and a ton of dog hair out, I put it up against my cheek to see if it was sooking better and almost took my upper lip off! Suffice to say I fixed the frigging thing. 
I can break a hoover in minutes that's probably why there are about 5 of them in various bits all over the house!
At the end of the day nothing beats a really bristly carpet brush! 
You might have by now guessed we have visitors coming!