Blue

Today I am blue.

I don't know what to say and what not to say. 

My emotions are always right on the surface and sometimes I say too much but usually I say not enough because I feel that I make people uncomfortable with my honesty. But I also say not enough because anxiety stops me from fully defending myself or my arguments. I back away and let others fill the void with their words while I lick my wounds and know I don't agree with them. 

Today I feel blue and I can't hide it. 
I can say nothing - and I tried that for a couple of days - but it didn't help me make sense of things. I've had to ask other people if I'm going mad. 

I'm hurting. I know I've been misunderstood and misrepresented. 

I know I have. 

I know something has broken that can't be repaired and I'm sad about that.

I think things through. I think everything through. I give everything in my life and everyone in my life more time than they will ever know, and I try to repair and put right and readjust. When I do something wrong I know about it and I change, I feel guilt, I feel regret. 

I'm going to have to let go of something because I know there's no fix. 
I just know. Because I've seen this before in someone I know. I know about this kind of thinking, this kind of brain. I just have to give up. 

And the bottom line is I will not have someone tell me I'm something I'm not. I've spent my whole life battling low self-esteem and allowing others to patronise me and allowing anxiety to prevent me from defending myself. 

My desire to love everyone and see the best in everyone pays off often enough and I need to remember that. 

There is some lovely stuff today: Our 10-year-old surprised us by singing and playing the piano beautifully at school today. "Surprised us" because her dad and I would never have been so brave.

And as you can see, the weather was also beautiful. 

I nearly said nothing, and for a time I did. But where do you go with silence?