The Nutter

I still have the t-shirt.  He left it behind him.
He sent me a photo of it in the early days....I kept calling him a nutter when he made me laugh, and he told me he "had the t-shirt" which again I laughed at, so he sent me proof.  I still remember seeing it, an feeling (really feeling) the smile spread across my face.

I wish I could take hold of my feelings and apply logic to them. See that there is no point in grieving - but I grieve because my life is so drastically different to what it used to be.
I was forever looking at Andy, thinking about how gorgeous he was.....and that he was with me. I always felt so incredibly lucky. But looks were a cherry. What I loved was how easy the companionship was. He was so easy to talk to. So easy to share an opinion with. To laugh with.
He took my hand wherever we went. He always asked me if I was ok.
I bloomed with that attention.
I loved the security of knowing he was always looking after me.
Now.....every minute of every day I miss him. I feel so incredibly alone. Insecure. Unloved. Abandoned.
I don't wake up to that gorgeous face, don't have my soulmate to chat away to at the end of the day. I don't have someone to take my hand and make sure I'm ok. I have so many responsibilities with work, kids, house, bills, pets, car, bikes.......not to mention an ill Dad.
It's just too much for me on my own. I feel so small.  So hurt.  So like it's not worth trying any more.