Huh

An interesting day today. I struggled up at 7:15am, so that I was ready for the tiler at 9am. I was happy to see that it is much lighter in the morning, which means I might not need to have the bathroom light on to do my make-up next week! 

The tiler guy was really good, but said that the entire floor needs to be taken up! I wasn't surprised, and he seems like he'll be able to do a good job. As the tiles I currently have are now discontinued, it means I can choose new tiles :-) It's going to be expensive, but it's worth doing, and despite the inconvenience, I'm looking forward to having it done.

I hung out at mum's for a bit, then took myself to Windsor for a bit of browsing. I bought a couple of bits in a gift shop, but I reminded myself that I don't really need anything!

I decided to take a chance and go out in the evening. T and I hadn't planned to meet till tomorrow, and my friend K had her brother over to stay and took him to the Dutch pub, our favourite haunt. Via Facebook I knew that guy friend was DJ-ing, and as it's been nearly three months since I last saw him, and things were good, I wanted to be there to catch up with him, and our friends.

I got myself in a bit of an old pattern. I felt quite preoccupied all day thinking about it, and felt the same way I did all those months ago. A combination of stress and adrenalin I suppose. I kind of liked going out alone, as I feel I still have my independence. Most weekends I'm out with T, which is lovely, but we haven't been out with my friends yet as I'm not quite ready for that. 

I took the tube rather than walking, and made it there by 7:30. The pub was busy, being Friday night, and I knew exactly where to go. I saw him in the usual spot, little semi-bald head bent over his computer. When he saw me he started motioning for me to pass him my coat, etc, and showed me where everyone else was sitting. But straight away I noticed a girl on a bar stool, sitting at his table next to him. No rocket science needed to figure this one out. I was a bit flustered, so took myself to the toilets and then to find my friend K. 

We sat down at the table with a few other friends, and I chatted to them. K and I had a good catch up, and also with R, another good friend. The girl sat with him for ages, and when she joined the table I went over to speak to guy friend. I didn't ask anything about it, one can read between the lines. We chatted as normal, and had a good catch up. He's a very sociable and friendly guy, yet also rather self-invoved! Our conversation flowed easily, but when you analyse it, he never really asked me any questions, I don't think he ever really did looking back. Nevertheless, I miss his friendship, and it was good to catch up. And it's always good that we never talk about the bad stuff, the summer. 

I had a pounding headache and it was boiling hot in there. We were all a bit tired, and by 10:30pm, K and her brother headed off, then R, and then I decided to go to. Normally, in the past, I would have stayed to the end and then walked home with guy friend. I assumed the girl would now fill that space, and I was happy to excuse myself. I would have liked more time to chat to him alone, but she didn't leave his side all night, so I never got another opportunity. He kissed me on the cheek, and told me he'd text me when he's DJing again in a couple of weeks. And then I left. 

And I kind of walked away thinking "Huh". It was ok. And I'm ok. 

It was strange, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't expected this. In fairness to him, he didn't know I was coming, and I didn't being T on purpose as I didn't want to flaunt us in his face. He didn't flaunt this new girl either, but I knew it would happen some time. Months ago this would have destroyed me all over again, but when I think back, I used to be jealous all the time as other girls would always come and talk to him there. And I chuckled to myself as I thought that's why it wasn't too upsetting- I'd kind of seen this/been through this all before!

I walked to Leicester square station, and I actually felt quite liberated , much like the ill-fated party night back in July. There is something quite liberating about staring into the face of one of your fears, and facing it head on.

The others know about T, and encouraged me to bring him. I did invite him, but he was tired from the gym, but said next time he'll go. And I'd like him to. But again, we won't be all over each other- I'm a private person!

I felt ok about it all, but physically, the stress made me feel quite horrible. I hadn't eaten for about 10 hours, so I bought a biscuit at the station, but then felt seriously sick during the train! I think I had rather a lot of cortisol in my body tonight!

I think there's a part of me that will always feel sad about him, and a part that wishes things could be different. But I also wish him well. I thought the girl looked a lot like me, with lighter, red hair, and similar style- how funny!

As I write this on Sunday night I feel a bit blue, but I'll be fine. I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and it will be nice for T to meet the others. And it's my second choice- that we can be friends and have other people in our lives and not feel weird about it.

Fingers crossed.