Each day is another I have to survive

Any time I spend alone.....I'm frightened of.

Had looked at his FB profile again a wee while ago.
I have been thinking a few times over the past few days about the raw fact he didn't love me for quite some time. This one thought makes me crumble.
To have been with someone who was regularly thinking they didn't love me and didn't see me the way he used to, or anything like the way I saw him......it crushes me.  My eyes swell at the thought of it, from the pressure in my head. Tears form in less than a second and pour down my face.
The pain from the emotional hurt is vast. But it brings other feelings now.  Crushing in that he was being deceitful.  I guess I have to accept it was going to take him time to fully realise he didn't want to stay in that life anymore......but I feel so betrayed. That I would tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, how attractive I found him, and he was going in the other direction.
All if these thoughts will eventually get me to a place where I don't love him anymore, simply because they mean so very much to me - how he was falling out of love with me when I so very much was in love with him.
I hate how he has been able to step away from all those years, and it feels so sudden to me but happened over months for him.
I wish I had acted upon a few little things that I know were signs now, but because I loved him so much and he had made me feel so secure, I never would have seen them for what they were. Subconsciously I just dismissed the odd tiny doubt as being so wrong when he loved me so much.
How naive of me.
 
I fantasise about him turning up and saying he realises he still loves me. That he can't live without me. I think of all sorts of wonderful things he says to make me believe he is not only sorry but still deeply in love with me.
I imagine he's in the dark in the back garden looking in, not knowing if I can see him...not knowing if he dare approach me. But thd reality is......it's when I'm hanging on to the workbench trying to control my tears and the pain in my heart.
 
I keep trying to understand how I could have made him that unhappy. How I didn't do enough to keep his love alive. How he could move on so quickly after just telling me.
 
I wish every day for some peace from this torture. To not feel the rushing sensation whenever I think of him. Which is still too often.
 
He has hurt me so deeply. I don't think I will ever heal enough.
How can someone have such a life altering negative impact on you.....it doesn't seem fair that he could do this to me, and have no where near the pain I have had.....and be happy....with someone else, so soon. 
 
I need to keep thinking about how he stood there and saw me dying, and did not shed a tear.  It was only when the kids were crying too, that he cried briefly. But stand his ground he did.  Not ever did he think about talking it through, to understand, or help me.
 

I can't yet say I wish I'd never met him. I want all those memories to still be important to me. The lock on the bridge in Kraków, the forever yours photo, our rings and the large framed picture.....those things are the hardest for me. But none moreso than what I know is broken my little girls heart too - he was her 'big buddy' and she his 'little buddy'
How could it have all just been 'lost' for him?

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This is what I wanted to write.  Even if it's not what I should be writing about.  The picture, well, it seemed to be the right thing to blip when I called my blog tickle toes, which I will explain one day I am sure.