More ukulele-ism today I'm afraid. My little red Mahalo uke was a much appreciated present from Kit four years ago (or possibly longer, I'm not good at keeping track of time), I learned a few chord shapes, had quite a lot of fun with it and then like so many other things it got set aside. Since my recent Ukulele Epiphany I've put a lot more effort in and I find myself eyeing somewhat more expensive instruments, particularly since discovering the tantalising Southern Ukulele Store. First chance I get I'll upgrade, probably to a Concert size rather than Soprano, although my first uke will remain much loved. When I say more expensive it's all relative, I'm not talking about much money, you can spend a little under a thousand on a uke but you really have to try! However, modest as the cost is compared to other instruments, it'll have to wait, so in the meantime I opted to buy some much better strings, today I restrung and tuned up and the difference is huge! It's like a whole different instrument. I'm a happy little uke-ologist.

I said the other day I thought they should be on the NHS and I have been developing my theories of Ukulele Therapy. The pronounced happiness induced by even the simplest strumming of the instrument clearly indicates that we have Ukulele receptors in the brain (possibly adjacent to our cannabinoid receptors), when these are sufficiently stimulated by the distinctive vibrations of the music the brain is flooded by the release of a cascade of joy inducing neurotransmitters. It follows therefore that with a sufficiently large dose it should be possible to achieve a state of supreme euphoria, a Transcendental Ukulele High of Enlightenment, I am currently energetically attempting to achieve this.

Of course there are some people who cringe, groan or otherwise evince symptoms (often very volubly) of pain and distress at the mere glimpse of the diminutive joy machine. This leads me to postulate that there also exist Ukulele Antagonist Molecules which bind to the brain's ukulele receptors, blocking their normal response to stimulus and instead releasing irritants that inflame the cerebral cortex and cause a rise in the subject's tendency to prejudgement, prejudice or dismissiveness. Strangely these Ukulele Antagonist Molecules seem to involve the immune system, often being the result of early inoculation by exposure in an unprepared state, for example, to an unfiltered screening of a a George Formby film from the 1930's. As we all know this kind of thing is best left to those who have built up a high tolerance for Uke Vibration and can mitigate the Formby effect by concentrating on the innovative and skilful aspects of the actual instrumental virtuosity (the Split Stroke, Thumb Roll, Fan Stroke etc). Sadly prolonged exposure leads in some cases to a serious, debilitating and untreatable condition, Chronic Irrational Ukulele Aversion Syndrome. These unfortunate people are doomed to a life of ukelessness. More happily, encouraging results have been obtained in milder cases, for instance
subjects who fled the room, were heavily distracted or for some other reason were at least partially shielded from the complete exposure to the antagonising vibrations (or Formbies as I have labelled them). In these cases the effect can be mitigated or even reversed by a course of careful application of milder Uke stimulus such as the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain (particularly if combined with other mood altering stimuli such as The Theme From Shaft which seem to act as facilitators) or some mild Jawaiian fusion. In one case a subject with pronounced Aversion Syndrome was alleviated by these means to such an extent that he subsequently came to not only enjoy some of the more, shall we say specialised forms of uke imbibification, but ultimately became a well known George Formby impersonator. There is considerable disagreement amongst practitioners as to whether this was a positive or tragic clinical outcome.

Another phenomenon that has been observed are a widespread category of people who seem to have been born "one strum below par", the effect of even the briefest and most inexpert attempt at strumming on these sufferers can be truly inspirational.

Of course the demonstrable presence of Ukulele Receptors in the human brain is so astonishingly specific and difficult to account for by natural selection that it has important, nay fundamental and revolutionary scientific and theological implications...it does seem to indicate that we need to take a new look at the indigenous religion of Hawaii, a new enlightenment may be upon us.

Finally I have observed the effectiveness of the Ukulele being harnessed by a rising new revolutionary movement who seek to use its power to set the world truly to rights. I am proud to count myself amongst these revolutionaries. As to our creed and our goals I think it's best left to our movement's founder to explain it in her own inimitable way

Long live the Wand of Thunder!