DIY

My father taught me everything I know about DIY and in turn, he learned it from his father before him. Sadly, it wasn't very much. Our DIY philosophy was firmly in the area of “If it's broken, poke it with a stick. If it's still broken, get a man in to fix it.” I have a brother-in-law who can easily knock up a wardrobe, dining table and six chairs from an old plank, a couple of matchboxes and a length of string but unfortunately his skills have not yet rubbed off on me. But I'm prepared to give things a try.

I mentioned last week that I had a dripping tap in the bathroom, and had to order a part which has now arrived. It had clear instructions (I say clear, but they were pictures; personally I find it easier to follow the instructions in any of the 26 languages they provide other than English). What could be more simple? Pull off the tap handle, use a No. 17 spanner to remove the faulty part, replace with the new part, and put the handle back on. I checked in my toolbox; I had a No. 17 spanner, so off I went.

That's when the trouble started. You see, the tap didn't look like the one in the pictures. The nut was down inside a barrel so you couldn't get a spanner to it. So you needed a No. 17 socket instead. But that's OK; I have a socket set.

I put the No. 17 socket in the barrel and it fitted perfectly. Too perfectly. Because of the thing sticking up in the middle (technical term) the handle wouldn't go in, so I couldn't turn it. I needed a longer No. 17 socket. Which I don't have.

But Screwfix did, and at a bargain price! Only £7.94 for a set of six, reduced from a clearance price of £19.99; I've no idea what the original full price was. Ordered using click and collect, I drove the 20 mile round trip to pick them up. Tried the No. 17 and perfect! It fitted the nut, extended out of the barrel, and the 'thing sticking up' wasn't in the way. I went to put the handle in the end and........ it was the wrong size. It needed a half inch handle, and mine was three eighths.

Never mind, the local hardware shop in the next village was bound to have one. But they didn't. So off I went to Homebase (round trip 16 miles) where they had a half inch handle. I now had everything for the job, but this was yesterday and it was getting dark, so I thought I'd save it until today.

This morning I got everything ready. The part. A screwdriver. The extra-long No. 17 socket, and the new handle to fit it. I tried to unscrew the old part and it was stuck fast. I tried spraying WD40 on it; still stuck. I cut the palms of my hand trying to hold it steady, I wrapped it in a towel to increase the grip; still stuck. I tried using a wrench to grip the barrel but it slipped round as I twisted, so I had to tighten it up even further. At last, the barrel came loose and the old part unscrewed!

Unfortunately, it wouldn't come out. You see, I'd had to grip the barrel so tightly with the wrench that I'd slightly deformed it. Of course, having deformed,, it will never go back to it's original shape, so I've had to order a complete new part. For twice the price. And it has to come from Germany so it'll take 5-8 days.

I don't often put in a music link, but this came to mind.

Next time I'm getting a man in.