I Wish More People Understood This

I'm sorry if I went into more detail than some of you may be comfortable with in the comments of my last blip.

But it's very important to me that other people realize that pressuring people to put abuse behind them and/or to forgive their abuser is the wrong thing to do. Pressuring someone to do something like that does nothing but cause more harm. It doesn't matter if it's "the right thing to do" or not. What matters is what the person trying to heal is ready for. Just becoming an adult doesn't suddenly erase that abuse. Adults are allowed to have emotions. They're allowed to feel the trauma caused to them. Just because something continues to hurt you and you're not able to forgive someone that caused you tremendous harm doesn't mean that you're childish. It also doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with how you feel, regardless of how others will make you feel like what you're experiencing is 'unnatural' and 'wrong'. It's not unnatural. It's actually more natural than just outright forgiving that person.

You're causing harm by saying things like that to them. Everyone heals at their own pace. Everyone comes to different stages of healing at different times. What you're doing is disturbing their natural healing process.

It's really easy for people who haven't experienced severe abuse to speak words of forgiveness. But I think they should put themselves in that other person's shoes. Think about it. Dwell on it. Make yourself feel sick imagining that it was you. Imagine it until it feels like it really might've happened to you.

Feel any different now?

There's something called Healthy Unforgiveness.

It is my right to choose whether or not to put something behind me. It is not your right to pressure me to do so. If you're capable of just outright letting go of severe abuse, good for you. I'm not one of those people. Many (if not most) people are not those kind of people.

While a specific person's comment is what made me want to post this, this blip is not aimed at them specifically. It's aimed at anyone and everyone that so easily speaks words of forgiveness and letting go to people other than themselves.

While the word forgiveness itself was not used, forgiveness is almost always a major undertone when accompanied by phrases such as 'letting it go' or 'putting it behind you' so I'm voicing my personal opinion on this matter. This opinion has been formed after years and years of being pressured to 'put it behind me' and to 'just forgive'. I can tell you that I have tried. I cannot trust my abuser enough to forgive them or to let go. Yes, I am broken. The inability to forgive that person and to put the abuse behind me is not the reason I am broken. My inability to forgive them is not what makes me broken.

People say such words as though they're the magical solution to something. "Forgiveness will set you free." No. It really won't. Maybe for some people in some situations, but as a rule, it really doesn't. Especially not if that person was pressured into such things by other people forcing their own beliefs about forgiveness onto them. Most people would never voice opinions like mine. Not unless someone else speaks up first. Because it's supposed to be such a horrible thing to not forgive.

I'm not against the idea of forgiveness. I'm against the idea of pressuring and/or chastising those who cannot forgive a great evil that was committed against them. Forgiveness is a personal choice that should never be taken or spoken of lightly.

I urge anyone who sees this blip to click on the link below and read the article, and to take it to heart and to always remember it when the subject of forgiveness crosses your lips.

Must you forgive?