'That's not my Panda'

Round at Mums this afternoon for a meal. Lewis was on great form, happily crawling around exploring and occasionally trying to pull the plant over. He heard the word 'no' a few times . He just smiled :) Here Gran was reading him a story.

I felt nothing again for him, didn't really interact with him much and took no delight in his smiles. I have felt a sense of dread all day , like something awful was going to happen. The last few days have been really hard and I don't know why. Have had certain thoughts again, and have cut a few times .
I just want to go to bed and cry.