To market, to market

Today is Wednesday, market day in Banyoles, the day to buy fresh fruit and vegetables for the week ahead. Carefully selecting the best of seasonal produce, comparing prices and weighing the merits of one stall against the others. All human life passes by as having eventually shoehorned the car into a parking space, elbows are utilised to force a way into the throng of neighbours, peasants, stall holders, local characters, dogs, zimmers and wheelchairs.

Firstly familiarity with the ground rules helps:

1) Never pass in front of a granny with a shopping trolley, at the very least bruised shins will result, at the worst prepare for sprawling across the cobbles as a reverse side twist with double skid is executed to take the legs away.

2) Don't attempt to queue unless time is unlimited, if any sign of weakness is suspected expect a pincer movement of little old ladies and discover that the back row of a four deep scrum is where the natural place for a giri (foreigner) is, as determined by the majority verdict of the crowd.

3) Do not try to ask any question regarding quality, price, size, freshness or availabilty of produce, the result will be a blank stare in response and a swift movement to the other end of the display by the stallholder. Bring totally ignored for the next 15 minutes is de rigeur.

4) If, in the unlikely event of understanding one of the witty sallies directed at a toothless addlepated evil smelling patron by the stallholder, a smile or worse a chuckle appears, then a battery of frowns will manifest themselves on the visages of all the clustered clients. Only a cousin, uncle, niece, wjfe/husband, brother or sister (these latter being seamlessly interchangeable, resembling each other so closely in both dress and deportment) is allowed to appreciate the wit of the vendor, for anyone else to find humour is strictly outside the code of conduct.

5) Failure to tender the exact money for a purchase will result in the shaking of the head, drawing in of breath, sucking of dentures rivalled only by a Lothian Regional Transport bus driver when you proffer a fiver for a single fare. If a note is accepted then expect to receive a kilos worth of small change, in the smallest denominations possible for having the temerity to possess anything as large as a five euro note.

6) Plastic bags are provided for the use of patrons solely for the purpose of augmenting the weight of purchases, any attempt to segregate onions from grapes for example will result in head shaking, rolling of eyes and a swift repackaging to minimise the free issue of carriers.

7) The total cost of purchases of the person served immediately prior, whether calculated by addition on a napkin, calculator, or in rare cases a proper till, will always come to an figure which can only be paid by extensive rummaging through cavernous black leather bags to come up with sufficient small coins to effect purchase. Unless a repetition of 3) above is desired it is wise not to show any signs of irritation or impatience.

8) Do not attempt to pass the time of day, exchange pleasantries or greetings with acquaintances. A sudden upward movement of the chin is all that is required. Anything more is considered over effusive and in some cases downright over familiar. Any attempt to impede the flow of commerce will be considered extremely ill mannered. (This rule does not apply to the native population who can stop anywhere, chat, block the pavement, take up the time of stallholders with long discourses about various insanitary aspects of their anatomy, progress of crops or livestock, family events including but not exclusively weddings, funerals, births, adoptions, pets or neighbours.



If these rules are adhered to, then shopping is, if not a truly pleasant experience, at least one that can be accomplished in about three hours.

Arriving home is equally enjoyable. By the time the analysis of purchases is complete one is aware that the tomatoes are the wrong type, the mandarins should not have been bought because they are out of season, likewise parsnips and turnip, where are the strawberries, why did you buy kiwis, they are too hard, I told you not to buy them, these apples are too green, the pears are not ripe, that pineapple looks sour, where did you get the potatoes, the onions are the wrong colour and we have oranges coming out of our ears, the place you bought the grapes is a rip off and we might as well put that lettuce straight into the bin.

All in all a very pleasant way to spend a Wednesday morning, much better than sitting by the pool with a coffee, isn't it?