My say...

Evening.
It's been a while since the last blip.
A few things have gone on that have made me feel like it NEEDS to be done. I've had a few arguments with people. People who make me feel bad for being who I am.

For a long time, I've had a persona created.

WHAT I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I AM
Evening.
I'm Alix.
I'm 20 years old, rising 21, and I'm a sales advisor.

I'm confident, sassy and fiesty.
I don't really have opinions. I believe everyone around me is right and I'm wrong.
Nothing gets to me. I'm happy. Life has its ups and downs, but that doesn't get to me.

I am recently single (4 months..) and I'm loving it. I'm loving playing the field and not giving a shit about other people's feelings.

I'm normal. I'm calm. I don't take life too seriously. I don't care if people like me, or if they don't.


WHO I ACTUALLY AM
Evening.
I'm Alix.
I'm 20 years old, rising 21, and I'm a sales advisor.

I'm confident, sassy and fiesty.

I have NO confidence. I look in the mirror and I am totally dissatisfied with what I see. When I look in the mirror, I see fat and ugly. (The photo I've posted is one of me totally natural. No make up, no pretences).
I act sassy, I act fiesty. Inside, I feel full of nervousness when I have to voice an opinion. Yes, I'm blunt and honest, but I keep it mostly to myself.

Everything gets to me. The smallest things affect my mood. If I'm critiqued in anyway, I take it to heart. I feel like a failure of a human being.

I'm recently single and pretty much hating it. Don't get me wrong, I love not having to answer to anyone and I have my own life. But I miss cuddles and kisses and everything else that comes with it.
There are a few people on the scene, but nothing will ever come of it. I'm the girl who you have a laugh with because that's who I pretend to be. I'm not the girl you take home to your parents and envisage a future with.

I'm incredibly highly strung. I'm on edge. I'm easy to wind up and impossible to be around.

It is hugely important that I'm liked. I have a different persona depending on who I'm with. I find false common ground. I need to be friends with everyone.

A NEW REVELATION
Enough is enough.
I need to be myself.
If people don't like it, tough.

I'm weird.
I get cravings for tangfastics and salmon (not at the same time) and I'm moody until I get them.
I sleep without a pillow, dead still, in the foetal position.
I'm hugely sarcastic because, you know, I can.
I strive for perfection, but rarely get it.
I do tasks that make me feel important, even if they're not needed to be done.
I have worn odd socks for at least 3 years now, because it's unlucky to wear matching socks. If I only have matching socks, I turn one inside out.
I'm messy, but everything has its place.
Being forced to drink anything other than Diet Coke makes me panic.
I sit in my coat for hours on end. I don't know why. I'm never cold.
I scrunch up my nose when I'm uncomfortable.
If a drink is spilled at a bar, I'll clean it up, even though it's not mine.
If someone promises to do something, it needs to happen and in the time frame given.
I wear my Converse with one tongue in and one out.
I don't wear belts because it makes me feel good that my size 10 jeans have gotten a little big on me.
I give anyone a chance. Just the one. Once that chance has been used, there's no going back.

There just a few things that make me quirky.
I embrace them. It's who I am. I'm tired of hiding who I am.

There are few people I'm myself around, but I'd rather just have these few people in my life, than be surrounded by those who don't know the real me.

Love me for who I am, not for who I pretend to be.

A xx