Maybe Day

I did it.. I let me boss know that I intend to leave. It was more emotional than I expected. 8 years of paid employment is a hard habit to kick. It's all so familiar, it's all so safe, it's all so not me.

I explained why. The professional reasons; unable to control my workload, decision making I can't agree with, management styles that I am averse to, pressure, politics, organisational fractures. And the personal ones; I want to care about what I do, I don't want an emotional lobotomy to go on in this monotony forever, I don't respond well to autocratic rule and meaningless unachievable goals that serve aims I don't care for, but more than that, all of this wasn't me. It's not who I am or want to be. I am going back to uni to study. Not sure where it will take me but I'll be happier finding out.

As my confidence grew I got bolder and more frank. There was a tipping point and the power see-sawed across the room towards me. I stopped shaking. It was mine to use all along I just had to find it, like ruby slippers to click.

He's not a bad guy. One of the better ones in fact. I think he was surprised and sad to see me go, but he understood my reasoning and was supportive of me making the right decision for myself.

Despite the 4 month notice period to come, I skip down the stairs ten tonnes and ten years lighter. I am immediately more myself. No more lying to them or me now.

A text and a song from friend G in response

"Yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to scrimping and saving and holes in your shoes, to camping on sofas, walking around with a beaten up suitcase packed full of scrawled upon papers, to wearing what you like in the mornings, to aches, pains, malnutrition, to an early grave, to no more canteen coffee grabbed on the quick, to time to think and savour yourself... welcome home"

I walked home through the pink drifts of cherry blossom on Princess Street.