I need you

In the latest episode of Maud and Mindy (sorry, Maud and a precious), Maud tries to explain why she needs aprecious and why aprecious shouldn't send her to the local dog's home. In fairness to aprecious, she has been woken up at 5:30am for three days so a sense of humour by-pass may have taken place (temporarily)

Maud says:
I need you,
Like a security guard needs a navy jumper,
Like a dodgem car needs a bumper,
Like Bambi needed Thumper.

I need you,
Like England's footballers need a win,
Like rubbish needs a bin,
Like human beings need skin.

I need you,
Like a dog needs a trick,
Like carrots need sick,
Like the Rolling Stones need Mick.

I need you,
Like the cake shop needs a fancy,
Like witches need necromancy,
Like the Drew mysteries need Nancy.

I need you,
Like dog toys need destroying,
Like Maud dogs need to stop being annoying,
Like aprecious needs gainfully employing...

aprecious I am really, really sorry. Can we please play ball now?

I'm so sorry about this poem. It's a revamped version of a very rude poem I wrote in 1996. 1996! And it wasn't original even then... here is the altogether better original by the incomparable Hovis Presley, now sadly no longer with us... I rely on You - Hovis Presley

Working later, for those of you worried about my occupation...