Goodbye Gertrude

Gertrude, I'll be honest, ever since you had your terrible accident with those two boisterous boys a couple of years ago, which eventually led to the removal of your legs, you've been quite useless to me.

Not only have you been using my camera tripod as your artificial legs but you're just always in the way, and every time I move you, you just flop around or fall over. Sometimes you fall onto me and I wonder if you are just trying your luck for a hug, even though you have no arms.

I have no option but to sell your legs (as I don't think I'll ever actually use a tripod anyway) so that I can replace you. I know it sounds harsh and maybe this is upsetting for you, but as you don't have a head, I can't possibly gauge your reaction. Also you're thinner than me, and all my clothes fit you and not me, so for that reason alone, you have to go.