My rock.

I have been in this funk for weeks and it's the only thing I haven't been able to shrug off. I'm known for not letting anything get to me and never showing emotion. I realize how unhealthy that is but it's gotten me this far. I sit back and realize it hasn't gotten me that far at all. I'm exhausted from fighting off everything bad and finding a shelter to shield every true care.

When I lost my dad and then losing my family, I just went on living my life the way I thought I should. Smiling every step of the way and looking forward.

He came along and I lost him. I don't know why I lost him but I did and I covered up the hurt with every relationship just hurting more and more people.

This time I lost him in a different way and I haven't been able to bounce back from it. Is it because every emotion from everything in my past is coming to the surface? Is it because I truly believe he is gone? Or is it because I ran out of energy to cover up my emotions with a smile? It hurts to smile... I really don't want to put any effort in moving on. It's so unlike me to be caught in a phase that leaves me unhappy but I can't see myself getting released from this phase.

My rock is m best friend and my sister. The only time I ever feel true happiness is when we are sitting outside and sharing stories. When we sit close and watch YouTube videos that make tears come to my eyes from laughter. When we drive to whatever destination it might be. When my rock is gone for a night and I'm laying alone.. I am no longer sheltered. There is no one saving me from my emotions and I just collapse. I attack myself with every hurt in my body and I can't breathe from the impact it has on me. I get lost in my mind.

I want to not depend on her but there is no one else I can depend on. I would depend on myself but right now I feel like I'd only steer myself in the wrong direction. I don't want o get close to anyone because I'm afraid of what emotions will do to them.

I need to get out of this phase but I can't imagine how I'd go about that.