It's blue...not a cloud in the sky, so they had to bring two planes and a helicopter to make some.

I have a meme. Memes being hard to come by and not always to my taste, I had to bring in the big guns in the shape of my lovely pal, Mez, who sat down and wrote me one! Thanks, Dued xxx

1- If you wrote a self-help book what would the title be?
Me? You do realise that this is *me* we're talking about! I couldn't help my way out of a metaphorical wet paper bag situation, much less help anyone else actually do anything. I am more in need of my own personal self-help book, but as those in the know will freely admit, I might love instructions, lists and bullet points - and indeed, I adore them - but my skills in actually sticking to said instructions, lists and bullet points are negligible.

2- What's your favourite jacket potato filling?
Cheese and baked beans. It has to be cheese and baked beans. If I ate meat, I might like to try chilli, but cheese and baked beans will do me fine?

3- Can you do the piece of cardboard under a glass to take a spider outside thing?
I am the superwoman of spider wranglers! I just pick them up and take them out. The cardboard under a glass is reserved to scorpions that don't want to be swept up or grasshoppers and crickets, because as you know, they leap off otherwise.

4- What's the worst fancy dress costume you've ever worn?
Don't do fancy dress. Never did. I suppose my habitual dress many moons ago could have been considered extravagant enough to be classed as fancy dress; my father sure thought so.

5- Why is the water in school drinking fountains always warm?
Do you think we should go there? Why are school drinking fountains always so close to the toilets? (yes, I know the dull answer to that, really).

6- How many socks are you wearing currently?
Two, only they are odd. I wash the socks, hang out the socks (or put them in the dryer), and then I throw them in the sock drawer. I cannot guarantee pairing of socks?Why on earth should I want to spend my time pairing socks when I could be faffing about on the interwebsdoing something more constructive with my time. If you want paired socks, do it yourself. Hey, that could be the title of a self-help book?

7- Bath bun or Diamond White?
Oh my dear lord, not the Diamond White! To me, that is the Lambrini of ciders. Ok, so I used to be a Merrydown girl, but we all have our skeletons, right? Bath bun it is then.

8- What are your feelings on buskers?
We don't see any here, more's the pity. I like them to be tuneful, if possible and nicely spaced, so we don't get any interference from the different pitches and of course, I am a sucker for giving away change: just sit there with a forlorn-looking mutt and watch me empty my pockets.

9- Do you have a biscuit tin? If yes, what's it like?
No. I do not see the point - biscuit tins encourage cross contamination amongst the different types and I cannot be doing with that. Yes, I like to segregate my biscuits. Sue me.

10- Tupperware - a blessing or a scourge?
I love Tupperware. Seventies faded pastel sandwich boxes. Discoloured misshapen lids. I would love to go to a proper 1970s-style Tupperware party. My idea of evening entertainment heaven. *sigh* Is that weird?

11- Which grammatical error most irks you?
All of them. Even or especially the ones I am guilty of. Its/it's and to/too irk and niggle me somewhat. I try not to let these things get to me, but well, you know how it is.

12- If you had to choose a favourite American President who would it be and why?
I don't think I like any of them to great excess?I haven't really thought about it. Ok, I choose all of the presidents because I like them.

13- Would you ever wear tweed?
Do they do it in black? No? Well then.
Tweed is traditionally soaked in urine, isn't it? Then the answer is no. Incontinence is some way off for me, I hope and I don't wish to encourage the belief that it is otherwise. Besides, I don't think I will suit tweed for a few years yet. I might be getting on but?

14- What would your specialist subject be if you went on Mastermind?
I think that if I specialise in anything, then it is the random factoid. I don't know much about lots of things, hence my love of silly quizzes (well, that and the lust I feel for Mr Paxman, obviously).

15- Have you ever ridden a camel?
Hahahahaha! Yes.

16- When you drive do you sing along to the radio?
Not if it's Radio Vaticano! Seriously, singing does take place - loudly - but along to my own music on a pen drive. The Child's requests are what we usually sing. I have one to sing along to loudly in times of stress/upset, but it is not suitable for small ears, even if those particular small ears like to hear Akira the Don because "he said the 'F-word,' mummy!!" She likes sweary songs. Hmmm, now why might that be?

17- Do you like candy floss?
I wouldn't crush my only child in the rush to get to it like I would for the very last giant tub of Nutella?There's not much to like about it, really. It doesn't taste of anything, and that amount of sugar could deprive me of sleep for a week!

18- Summer or winter?
Heh. Difficult one. Can I have the daylight hours of summer, the shades of light of winter, the constellations you never see in the summer, the shooting stars we get in August, some kind of middle road spring/autumn temperature?? Oh, I can't make my mind up and I will like them all. (The opinions of the writer are subject to change and she will exercise this right at her discretion).

19- What's your stone skimming record?
One of those things I am rubbish at. Haven't tried for years.

20- Is The Daily Mail a necessary evil?
Well, it's evil. I can get my Cainer daily horoscope elsewhere, so for me it is totally unnecessary.
I am not going into the whys and wherefores of how sick I find this type of publication, especially since all it is is the same poison you find in the red tops, but under a different, more seriously coloured masthead in the hopes that that will make them seem more respectable, like a mini broadsheet. Unfortunately, it seems to work.

21- What's the best thing you've ever found down the back of the settee?
Let's just say it was a useful thing?

22- What do you say when you answer the phone?
"Pronto!" although I don't answer the phone much. "Grrrrrr" is another one I like to use. Depends who it is. I usually make The Child answer the landline and she says "Pronto!" too. "Hello" is something I save for my Granddad and I always seem to know it is him before I pick up?weird.

23- Have you got a Blue Peter badge?
No *sobs*.

24- What are your views on chamomile scented toilet paper?
Chamomile tea looks (and smells) like urine. See the above answer re tweed.

25- If you had a band what would you call it?
My band, of course. How else would I refer to it in polite conversation?

26- Jump off the Titanic into the dark icy water or go down with the ship? Which would you have chosen?
Are Leo and Kate going to be in the dark, icy water? Will Celine be warbling on about her heart going on and on and on in much the same way as her dreadful dirge? Then I elect to go down with the ship, thank you. *salutes*

27- Have you ever been cautioned?
Cautioned not to do stuff, yes. By the police? Not that I remember. A blameless life mine. Last policeman I spoke to for official stuff was handing me a permanent foreigner's permit of residence, so I told him I loved him. He didn't caution me, he just grinned.

28- What colour rubber gloves do you prefer pink or yellow?
Rubber gloves? Ewwww. They smell a bit like condoms and they make me drop stuff. No gloves for me.

29- Are ventriloquists scary or entertaining?
Creepy as hell. *shudder*

30- Drawing pins or blu-tack? Discuss.
Oh dear, it's the old do you want a hole in it, or do you want it to fall off, get ruined and be covered in icky blue stuff that served nothing forever? dilemma, isn't it?
However, you can't roll drawing pins into handy little balls and stick them in random places or on unsuspecting people without them noticing, so I guess blu-tack has the edge.