J e z [N] J o h n n o

With our very small circle of close friends either fleeing to run a yoga retreat in remote Mexico, moving towns or absconding their shit jobs to embark on an uncertain existence in hiding from their shit boss, we were momentarily feeling a little friendless. Then these guys turned up + we jumped for joy! Some friendly faces from back'ome- and we've got them for a whole week. As an extra celebration, it's as if Spring has arrived- the temperature now being a barmy -2C, it's almost time to get the Bermudas on [or stubbies, in Dan's dreaming case*]- I was just remarking how now most of the insane ice has melted from the roads, that it might be soon time to begin thinking about how I might be able to procure an instrument of transport that only adopts two wheels + needn't rely on regular top ups at the gazole point. Lured into more babysitting for my boss [no enticing necessary however because there is The Cat, and the most gorgeously happy + energetic children imaginable to hang out with], and I was, for once, early enough to get the recycling done . I can't bare thinking about what might have happened had I not paid a visit to these particular bins, at this particular time. Because I might not have found?.. my new bicycle.

Frantically spinning my head round to see if this was some cruel joke, or at least scraping at my eyes to ascertain whether it wasn't another figment of my fuddled imagination. Someone had ditched this elegant, admittedly rusty + battered, but sumptuously sparkling frame, and now it was hastily getting rammed in every attempted angle in a desperate acquiring attempt in order to secure the possession of my new machine. Boot barely closed + I screeched [as quickly as a driver very much adopting the characteristics of a tortoise such as myself can achieve] away to deliver this new weapon of adventure safely back home.

Another thing I discovered today, is that I'm fairly certain I am an under average babysitter. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to play party games with four under 12s at the strict understanding that I was definitely meant to put them to bed no later than 8.15. All of a sudden, I found myself plugging in the bosses electric keyboard and pressing play on the drum machine, before jamming a range of manic notes to play an accompanying track to form the age old famous game, musical statues. Summersaulting around the decadently furnished chalet, it occurred to me that perhaps this almost certainly the wrong approach to settling a group of highly excited kids into bed. A brainwave hit, from out of nowhere. As I toned down the heavy dub beats of the drum machine, I whispered; "now, children. I know a game that's twice as exciting + fun as this. Now then, who's ever played Sleeeeeeeeping Lions?". A chorus of complaint circulated from the euphoric infants, but eventually I got them forming an angelic and impossibly still juxtaposition of juniors, all suddenly scintillated with my crafty [he he] ploy of sleep inducement, with each of them securing a more motionless stance than the next. My premature triumph at getting one over on the little ones was soon eradicated as it now became clear that I wasn't going to be able to shift these clever little sods from the living room floor anytime soon. Again, what was I thinking trying to outsmart kids at bedtime- I certainly remember how much fun I had traumatising babysitters when I was young, all those years ago. And then, sometime later when my ploys of persuasion had plundered passively to the ground, and I'd exhausted all of my bribes; "I'll tell your mummy + your daddy that you were sooooooo good, and that they must feed you with sweets all day long tomorrow- if you go to bed now" it was then time to turn the threats on "I don't want to phone your mummy + daddy + ask them to come home, but I will if you don't settle down?.now." I wonder if I'll make a terrible mum- being a walkover one minute, and threatening the next. But I did get a wonderful insight of how special it will be, to tuck my little tots into bed + watch sleep finally and eventually drape itself over their perfect young eyelids as the cuddly of their choice will slowly disengage from their over adored firm grip. And I'll gaze lovingly around their fairytale like infantile enclosure of dreams + silently register all of the belongings that hint at the very beginnings of wonderful growing personalities. Hours later, when I'd at last achieved my challenge, it was now time to inject my wavering levels of adoring energy into Alfie, the cat.