Self Portrait?

I can't explain this one. It's true, the week has been difficult, my coping skills are very very thin right now. Perhaps as thin as I've ever known them to be, yet I am settled and sure as I continue to put one foot in front of the other. The 'me' that I present to the world continues to have a semblance of order, my supervisor tells me I don't appear anywhere near 'falling apart', but this is, for real, a self portrait! There's something very honest about it, which is why I chose this one over the ones that actually looked like what I was trying to capture.

My aim? The large, antique 'looking' heart earring that hung from my earlobe. I love them. I've had the earrings since I was about 27. Oddly, the memory seems so recent, but when I do the math..ahem. I had not taken my camera out again today, my brain feels numb, the challenges continue to mount, my faith feels settled and strong while at the same time as weak as can be, I decide to just take a couple photos of the earring and blip it.

Maybe I'd mention the special shopping trip with my dear friend, Nancy, when I bought the earrings, or maybe I'd talk about Valentine's Day or love or something sentimental. Instead, the camera told on me. I don't know how I captured this image or what it really shows us, but honest, it was aimed at my earring. The other photos showed my hair, shirt collar, earring...this one showed how I have felt all week...so perfectly explicit that I could do nothing but post it. If someone had handed me paint, a brush and a canvas and asked me to paint what it felt inside my body this entire week, I could not have come closer.

Oddly, it didn't feel good to feel this way, but I have to say, it's beautiful to me when I look at it now. Do you suppose that is how the sum of our chaotic lives will be someday? I pray mine will be this beautiful and even more when all the swirling stops. But I suspect I will have to work hard to keep my focus on what is lovely, it doesn't come naturally, you know. I am never alone and I can always ask for help with the new day, and all the way through to the end.