"I aten't Dead"

- Granny Weatherwax

I was absent yesterday - absent from twitter, blogger, blipfoto, work and from life

I had spent a fitful night crying but with tears that would not come, then around 6ish in the morning I gave up, I came downstairs and finally the tears came, I bawled my eyes out. But along with the tears came something else as I slid further down that dark passage. I wanted to cut myself, to run a blade across my skin to see the blood.

I used to self harm - yesterday morning was the closest that I have been to doing it in years. Self harm is not about attention seeking, showing off or wanting to die. Its about validation of pain, proving that you really are still alive. Most people would never have known that I self harmed - we are masters at hiding it. I wore long sleeved tops or I cut or burnt myself in places where no one would see. I was clever just enough for the pain and the blood but not enough for permanent visible scars - well mostly there are a few tail tail reminders (if you know where to look).

I knew how easy it would be to walk into the kitchen and grab a knife to run its blade along my arm and have that release - but I also knew that I would be disappointed in myself, that I didn't know if I could stop. My mind was being destructive and I wanted to destroy things - but again the small part of rationality that was holding on for dear life told me that I would regret that some things are irreplaceable.
That small part of rationality made me put the knives in Jeeves (the dishwasher) and turn it on.

But I think that the small part of rationality might have fallen in and got trapped.

I was tired, tired of everything I wanted sleep, I wanted oblivion.

It was not a suicide attempt - but I knew that it could possibly kill me - I just wanted some rest so I took a sleeping tablet (one that I know that I am allergic too).

If anyone has ever gone into anaphylactic shock - I have its not fun - then you will understand just how irrational I was being - thankfully all I suffered was tingling and mild swelling of my lips and a shocking headache (sadly no sleep).

I knew it could kill me I left a note for Mr Mouse:
"I have taken a sleeping tablet
If I am dead ring work and tell them I hope that are fucking happy
If I am not dead ring work and tell them what ever you fucking like"

for the rest and an explanation please read my blog