Does it ever get easier?

I was very much looking forward to this event-a good friend getting married and I went as my best friends plus one. Unfortunately, my friend who invited me screwed up on the time so we missed the ceremony all together and just made the reception. Regardless, it was still nice to catch up with old friends and see my friend tell the story of how he met his soul mate. Watching them be so much in love was beautiful.
All the previous weddings I had been to I was with Dylan, so this was weird not having someone to squeeze my hand and kiss me on the cheek when there was a touching moment between the couple. In fact, I remember the last wedding I went to, it was my friend Kendyll's. It was this huge ordeal trying to get part of the evening off while doing the IYLEP program, and poor Dylan had to drive all the way down to Denver to pick me up and then we had to drive down to the Springs. The car ride down was awkward, I could feel the miles of distance between our hearts even though we weren't broken up at that point. We talked about how our lives seemed to be going in such different directions and that we might never get married after all. Maybe it was because of H, but I didn't feel anything when this was said. When we finally took our seats and the couple said their vows, I remember Dylan whispering in my ear " I love you...I want to marry you one day". Guess sometimes the desires of our hearts are not always met. Getting back to the present day wedding... I felt that numb feeling again, and I was so thankful for it. I couldn't handle an emotional breakdown in front of all those people. But to be honest, deep down in my heart I was broken hearted. I can't help but thinking what could have been. I could be planning my wedding right now, maybe sitting in his lap watching a movie like we used to. Nothing can beat the feeling of being in the arms of your best friend and soul mate. Now, however, my hands are empty and i'm waiting . As much as I claim to be so much stronger, and happier with my singlehood, on the inside im still in turmoil. You can see this manifested by the choices I make. The absolute worst part of it all, is when I close my eyes for sleep. I always dream about him in some form or another. I hate it. I try so hard to not think of him during my wake, and then I go and have dreams that cause me to wake up crying.

Being completely honest with myself- I miss him, I miss my friendship with him, I miss being with him, I miss my old self, I miss my old life. What the fuck have I done? I hate knowing that he hates me and wants to have nothing to do with me ever again....

How long do I have to wait? Does this ever get easier?

Getting back to the day- B and I went to IKEA afterward which was gloriously huge and posh, and yet everything that is wrong with American consumerism haha. Driving back to FoCo was horribly dangerous, as the slushy snow made it impossible to determine the placement of lane markers. I was so exhausted from the night before, lack of sleep, and the events of the day that I ended up falling asleep at 7 pm and not waking up till 9 am.