Slap the baby!

A long time ago, I was in my flat when my friend from
the flat below started banging on my door,
his 15 year old sister (who was visiting),
was in the bathroom screaming, and she wouldn't let him in.
He thought she was embarrassed because it was
'a woman's thing', and begged me to go down.

We rushed down and I managed to get the bathroom
door open enough for my head to go through.
His sister was lying against the door, jeans off, pants down
and really shockingly the top of a baby's head showing.
I remember thinking how I knew it was weird
but not really having anyway of judging it.

Turning around, I looked into my friend's face
and told him his sister was having a baby.
I didn't have any way of softening it. I couldn't say anything else.
He stared at me for a moment and said "fuck off".
I said it again, but followed up with, 'you get up the head end
talk to her, I'll get down the business end. '

Yes, I actually said: 'I'll get down the business end.' What a twat.

I got onto my knees, and helped the tiny blue baby out,
it seemed to come out really easily. I kept shouting 'push'
but I think she was doing what came naturally by that time.
I couldn't tell whether the baby was breathing and I pulled lightly
on the umbilical cord thinking the placenta should have come out.

But it didn't really come out very far. It was really confusing,
I handed the baby to my friend and told him to
slap the baby until it breathed, I sort of knew this was right,
but I also thought I was going faint, and had to leave the bathroom.

I called an ambulance, and kept shouting
'slap the baby!' from the kitchen.
I could hear it coughing, and beginning to breathe.

In about 3 seconds, the ambulance arrived
and everything started in real time again.
Tin foil blankets for mum and baby.
We were really lucky.
The ambulance men told us the baby was premature by quite a bit,
and the umbilical cord could have been around it's neck.
Fucking hell.

We were told to visit much later, and they were all gone.

My mate and I just sat on his sofa, taking huge gulps
from a bottle of Vodka.
Shouting 'slap the baby!' and laughing hysterically.

The little baby boy was fine, and so was his mum.