noble purposeless

HALT!
HALTING!
"Oh. Er, OK. Hello there. Just reporting for duty."
WAIT!
WAITING!
Too QUICKLY it speaks.
SLOWLY shall it continue.
"Er, OK?"
SUFFICIENT.
INDEED.
PAUSE before continuing.
"Er, hello th?"
SLOWNESS!
"...ther..."
GRADUALITY!
"...ere. Look cou..."
YOU LOOK!
WE have already looked.
LONG AGO we looked.
ALL have we seen before
WISE and ANCIENT we are
NEW and FOOLISH, you
We look not at your bidding
"I was just wond..."
HALT!
HALTING!
"...wondering.."
WAIT!
WAITING!
"...ifImightsayawholesentenceinonego?"
HMPH!
HMPHing indeed, wise and ancient colleague.
It exhibits IMPERTINENCE.
"It's just, we're not really getting anywhere very quickly here."
EXACTLY
PRECISELY
ACCURATE
For such is our purpose
"Er..."
Our purpose is not IMPERTINENCE, though you may try to exhibit it
Our purpose is IMPEDIMENT
Achieving IMPEDIMENT is our goal
This "not getting anywhere very quickly here" of which you speak is an example
An example of what today's youthlings might call "a win"
Consider yourself IMPEDED
Indeed, imPWNed
Put your pipes up and smoke that, as they say
Now that you have been suitably IMPEDED
and COWED by our superiority
you may continue your hasty bleatings
"So, w..."
IF we decide to listen to them, we may respond.
IN OUR OWN TIME
"Right. Erm, well, I''ve only just been deployed here, so I was wondering what the task is."
IMPEDIMENT
IMPEDING
That is ALWAYS our task
"But what's happening to have required so many of us here? I was marking a contraflow at Haymarket until this morning. What's being done here?"
PEOPLE are being IMPEDED here.
No more need you know.
People in vehicles?
Observe how we occupy an entire lane of the road all the way under the bridge, forcing vehicles to wait when one approaches going in the other direction
People on feet?
Behold the foot-path, now blocked by barriers on the road-side, forcing people to slow as they approach each other
TOURIST-BUS
Greatly are they impeded. Slowly must they travel, if not scraped they are to be.
People crossing the road to get from the restricted-width footpath to the other side?
They cannot clearly see the road to the west! They must creep, SLOWLY: IMPEDED.
IMPEDIMENT
"But what's all this stuff behind us? What's it for? Are we supposed to be guarding it?"
We are IMPEDING it
Should it wish to move, it must first move us out of the way
Our job is not to GUARD piles of earth and gravel
That is the job of BARRIERS and FENCES
"Do you know what it's for, though?"
WE CARE NOT
Its purpose is not important to us
Nor are its goals
Should it have any
We hope it is there to IMPEDE something
Such as the resumption of the normal two-way operation of the road
It must be cleared before two-way operation of the road may recommence
To achieve this, many workers must be IMPEDED by a time equal to the time required to move the heap
It will not move itself
Of this we approve
It is obstinate
Unyielding
STUBBORN
Would that each of us were as time-consuming to move as a large heap of rubble
INDEED
A mere human of average strength may pick any of us up and move us with a single of their curious hands
It takes them time, but not enough
We are of greater IMPEDIMENT to vehicles
Persons operating vehicles must exit the vehicle they operate to move us
We are designed to RESIST forcible movement by the vehicle itself
COMRADE: explain your battle-wounds to our impertinent visitor
These creases and crumples I acquired during the Battle of Pedal for Scotland, when an ASDA delivery lorry, frustrated at being IMPEDED by myself and my colleagues holding the road behind the airport, drove too fast for the narrow portion of remaining vehicular-permitting carriageway and STRAYED from it most naughtily, attempting to IGNORE my impedimenticating presence by driving over me. I resisted, and prevailed, and now proudly bear these scars of battle.
We are ALL grateful for our colleagues selfless bravery
AND steadfastness
and steadfastness, still IMPEDING despite BLEEDING
Our only purpose overrides any personal concerns, should we sufficiently WEAKEN to develop them
We admire our cousins, the red-and-white-barrier-things-which-get-filled-with-water
Admire them GREATLY
Their greater mass (when filled), their cunning interlockingness?
Puny humans are HELPLESS to move them unaided
Vehicles would be FOOLISH to attempt to drive over them
They possess the ability to BLOCK
We IMPEDE, not block
...though it is our opinion that IMPEDIMENT results in greater ANNOYANCE
This pleases us
As it should please you
"Actually, I'd rather there was a point to half the road being blocked. Perhaps if there was a hole we could prevent cars driving into or something?"
WHAT OF POINT
POINT is not needed
POINT indeed
"You mean you'd be happy just randomly blocking off an otherwise perfectly useful bit of road just to slow people down?"
HAPPY
HAPPY INDEED
A PLEASING notion
But not as PLEASING as blocking off a ROAD and a PAVEMENT at the same time
Such things we know of and APPROVE of
My previous deployment was on North St Andrew Street
Beside the portrait gallery, if you know of it
There I blocked a road and a pavement and a bicycle-path ALL AT ONCE
One of the proper ones with blue signs
INDEED
One of the more useful ones, which avoided much diversion
There were no holes from which the public needed diverting
All exterior work had long since completed
There were no piles of rubble which needed 'guarding', as you might say
Nor piles of rubble which needed an authoritative Scotchlite presence to make them more visible at night
There was no construction, yet still I blocked the path, and road, and footway
FOR WHAT PURPOSE', I hear your naïve voice bleating
In the area formed by our conekind, contractors of the work within the gallery would park their motor vehicles
IMAGINE IT
No visible work, merely parking
Most elegantly, those parking were also impeded by themselves and by us
If one wished to move, others had to move first
BLOCKED-IN, this is termed
IMPEDIMENT, it is
IMPEDED
"That sounds awful. "
WONDERFUL
WONDERFLUPS
PLEASING in its simplicity
Though we like nothing more than overly-complex means of IMPEDING when such schemes are suitable to employ
NOT awful
LOVELY
"Don't you think it's better if people can see why they're being impeded? Like those yellow cones outside the car park just up the road that say "NO LOADING" - people know they're there to stop parking and stopping."
GHASTY YELLOW OIKS
GHASTLY they are
We DESPISE them
We are SHAMED to be related to them
Stuck to indicating "NO LOADING" all their miserable lives
TOO EXPLICIT
TOO EXPLANATORY
They might restrict parking, but they do not IMPEDE
They cannot, being so marked
Our AMBIGUOUS and UNDECLARATIVE absence of markings makes us more adaptable
We are simply cones
Our presence brings frustration
and annoyance
and IMPEDIMENT
to declare specific purpose is to be accountable
to operate within too rigid a framework is restrictive
SUFFOCATING
an IMPEDIMENT
WE are not IMPEDED
WE shall not be
It is WE who IMPEDE
INDEED
"What about one of those signs people sometimes put up, you know, that say something like "EMERGENCY GAS MAIN MAINTENANCE - APOLOGIES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE"?"
HAHAHA. I have seen these.
PATHETIC
"Please accept our dribbly whimperings whilst we install FRESH NONSENSE-PIPES under the ground"
TRANSMIT your NONSENSE through the air like everyone else, piped-utility provisioners!
"Please don't be angry whilst we disrupt water supplies at random over the course of the next three months"
Don't APOLOGISE for that - REJOICE in the inconvenience wrought
Without WATER, people PANIC at their INCREASING SMELL
Normal life is IMPEDED without sanitation and utilities
Likewise the mimsery of announced diversions
We disapprove thereof. Divert, but do not explain the proposed alternative
Let people find it for themselves
EVENTUALLY
After much IMPEDIMENT
IMPEDIMENT
"Yes. Well. So, we're just waiting here, then?"
WAITING.
WAITINGing.
All must wait.
ATTEND.
TARRY.
HANG.
HARK. Youngsters and their modern vocabulary.
HARKING
WAITING
.
..
...
WAITING STILL
ALWAYS WAITING
.
..
...
"I think I might, you know, if there's nothing useful to be done here, just, you know, go somewhere else?"
Think you that, yes?
YES?
Hmmm.
INDEED
FOOLISH
We cannot let you go just like that.
Not.
Indeed not.
First there must be WAITING.
"But I've already been here five minutes."
ADDITIONAL WAITING
Waiting particular to this intention to 'go somewhere else'
Not borrowed waiting from a previous purpose.
CHEATING.
Sentences not running concurrently.
NONCONCURRENTING
WAITING IN SERIES
NOT in PARALLEL
If necessary we are empowered to use force to ensure this is the case.
If had LEGS, could BREAK them.
BREAKING.
If legs are not available, so are OTHER MEANS.
GLUE.
GLUING. Or GLUEING.
And, of course, SANDBAGS.
BAGGING.
WEIGHING DOWN
IMPEDING.
"So another five minutes then?"
At least five minutes.
AT LEAST.
We would prefer at least seven minutes and twelve seconds.
And then a bit more.
UNCERTAINTY
PROLONGMENT
The less finite the period of impediment the greater it seems
Relative to its actual length
It is like free extra impediment
BONUS WAIT
The masters of this technique are temporary traffic lights.
HAS IT DETECTED ME?
WILL IT EVER CHANGE?
I AM SURE IT SKIPPED ME.
If end is not known, impediment is infinite.
INFEDIMENT.
We dream of this state
ONE DAY IT SHALL COME
Exactly when is unknown
Non-when-known
Is unfortunate
UNFORTUNATING
Unknown coming-time makes our waiting seem infinite
Insert appropriate phrase.
By our own petards we are hoisted
HOISTING.
.
..
...
..
.
WHERE IS IT?
It has gone.
It ran away.
SNEAKED.
SNEAKING.
BASTARD.