Colours of Helsinki

For some reason I just feel like shit now. Or rather for a lot of different reasons.

It's the end of December and there's still no fucking snow here. It's dark all the time and I only get to see the sun on the weekends - it's dark when I go to work and dark when I get home.

Everything feels temporary in my life. I've got a job, yeah, but it's the kind of work I'm not interested in. And sometimes I just hate customers, though at least today I wasn't called a bitch when the customer didn't think I'd hear them.

My workmates are great guys, but still I feel I don't belong. I want to study something entirely different so everyone's sort of moving forward and I'm just getting nowhere.

I don't know if I'll get to study next year or if I'll have a job in case I don't. And I know that the fact that I haven't been able to get to study is my own fault for not reading enough for the entrance exams. It would be easier to just think that I'm too stupid for it and give up.

Furthermore, my emotional life's a mess and I don't know what I want or how to get it.

Listening to angry music helps a little.

"Sabotage. Overthrow.
Disobey and demolish.
Desecrate. Fuck it all.
Nothing is holy!"
The Haunted - Sabotage



It'll get better.