Sticks & Stones

I'm one of those people who fiddles. You know the ones, they sit in meetings and tap a pen, or unbend a paper clip and often annoy those around them. Yes, well I'm one of those. To be honest I'm not sure if this is a lifelong affliction or one which developed while I was bored in school. I distinctly remember a primary school teacher removing every single thing I could possibly fiddle with from my desk and her exasperation when I simply tapped my fingers on the desk instead. That poor woman, she no longer teaches but I'm sure I didn't drive her to give it up...

This is one of my current objects of fiddling fixation. I was recently in the company of someone when I spotted a pot full of various sized stones, me being me couldn't help but start touching them and I was invited to choose one for myself. There were a few around the same size as this one but I had reason to choose this above the others. You see, they were smooth, polished and flawless. This one however is not. It is a rock at one end and a stone at the other. It is beautiful and ugly at the same time. That essentially sums up how I feel about myself right now. Undoubtedly I am ugly, in the standard societal view of the word. As my treatment progresses it is likely I will get more ugly. But, I hope at least, on the inside and in my personality I have a beauty about me. I certainly see beauty around me in the world and I don't know if I would if I had none inside of me.

Beauty, as the saying goes, is in the eye of the beholder but also it is only as deep as the skin.