Ice ice baby

First day back at work and I sleep in due to lack of sufficient snoozage last night. When I look out of the window the street outside and the road is pure white. I thought at first that it had been snowing, but when I got outside realised that it was just a mega hard frost. By the time I get to the end of the road which has a sharp bend in it, the back end of the lexus has gone all Carlos Sainz on me, rear wheel drive style. This is a sign of things to come I think as by the time the snow comes I can see it being about as much use as Clarkson as the guest speaker at a Unison conference.

I have an unaventful day at work, until going home time and spot the guy behind me looking at a picture on his phone. I have protected his name for the purpose of this journal but we will call him Reuben Tishkoff for arguments sake. Anyways, as is obvious, Reuben helps out the other team.

Me: "Hey Reuben, whats that your looking at on your phone"
Reuben: "nothing",
Me: "are you looking at gay men on your phone", "
Reuben "No, its nothing"
Me: "cmon now, seriously are you looking at gay men on your phone"
Reuben "maybe"
Me: "cmon now Reuben tell me the truth"

As it transpires, sure enough there is one particularly ripped muscle bound bronzed man with a twelve pack on his phone, obviously some sort of underwear model or something So i give him a hard time.

Rueben says covering his hand over most of the mans lower body and now a bright shade of red, "its just this bit up here I like"

When I stop laughing I leave for the evening and head off to the gym, however, thats where this story gets interesting and seriously you cant make this stuff up.

To get into the gents changing room you have to put your pin number in the door, then enter a double door system to the actual changing room. So I swing open the second door, and just about hit a guy with the door, the reason being is that he has the locker closest to the door and he is (and I kid you not) squatting stark bollock naked like some sort of yoga godess. In fact google pictures of Utkata Konasana and you'll get a fair idea what we are talking about here.

It seems like I am having quite a few weird encounters with strange men in locker rooms recently, but the last thing you expect at 5.15pm on a Friday night is to pop into the gym's changing rooms and come in close proximity to a rusty sheriffs badge on full view four feet in front of the door.

He must of waxed his crack or something as this was an interuppted view of a chocolate starfish.

So, I go to my usual locker, locker 101, as room 101 is easy to remember when your knackered and I turn around.

Now, this guy was rubbing some sort of bronzing balm into himself and he obviously didnt want to miss any bits based on the bizarre position he had been in moments before. However, all this guy was missing was a lolliping frog posing pouch, and a name like Adonis. Seriously ripped and tanned, it looked like he had been airbrushed. He either lived on a sunbed, or bought bulk spray tan from Costco or had invested shares in Hollywood Tan.

However, I suddenly had a flashback to Rueben, I seriously reckon that either this was the same guy or at least seperated at birth.

So the guy next to him asks the Sultan of Browneye "how fast do you run the quarter mile in ?"

Im suddenly confused as to me, a man that doesnt wax his own anus, normally has facial hair and dirty finger nails, running the quarter mile is how fast you can get your car down a drag strip.

I finish my own session in the gym and hit the showers, except Connie has given me a new black wash cloth, so I rip the tag off it and go and shower. Two minutes late, I look like I've been electrostatically flocked.

Anyways, my mind wanders a bit on the way home, what would have happened at the very moment that I had opened the door that I had removed my hand from my pocket and a pound coin had hit the ground running. It would have only have taken one cruel bounce for the queens head and a thistle to have dissapeared without a trace.

Puckered like yer granny withoot her teeth in.