Down day

I've been struggling quite a bit recently, trying to make jokes about stupid mistakes I make when doing the simplest things, forgetting what I'm doing etc., but on days like today, after three days going out trying to do something normal, when I really need a day off inbetween; hardly any sleep in that time as I wake up in a panic that I'm dying or some such melodramatic 4am scenario; when every little increase in the permanent background headache is seen as a potential lead-up to another brain haemorrhage... that's when despair descends. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. Having a moan now and then helps. I get angry at how I am and just want to vent that. The specialist neurology nurse said depression is very common in my situation, and I was prone to it before all this so it's now raised to an art form. In fact if my mood were music it would be something like this. Unless you're a lapsed vegetarian Zen Buddhist I suggest you don't click that link...


Beams of fire sweep through my head
Thrusts of pain increasingly engaged
Sensory receptors succumb
I am no one now -- agony

My crimson liquid so frantically spilled
- the ruby fluid of life unleashed

Ripples ascend to the surface of my eyes
Their red pens drawing at random, at will
A myriad pains begotten in their wake
- the bastard spawn of a mutinous self

The regurgitation of my micro nemesis
- salivating red at the prospect of my ruin, my doom

Malfunction the means for its ascent
Bloodletting the stringent voice to beckon my soul
So futile any resisting tension
As death-induced mechanics propel its growth

The implement, the device of my extinction
- the terminating clockwork of my gleeful bane
The definitive scourge of its mockery
- the end-art instruments lethality attained

Heed - it commands, heed my will
Bleed - it says, bleed you will

Falling into the clarity of undoing
Scornful gods haggle for my soul
Minds eye flickers and vellicates as I let go
Taunting whispers accompany my deletion

A sneering grin, the voice of my reaper
- chanting sofly the song of depletion