back to reality -day 1

Day one back home after a super weekend away and it quickly turns horribly wrong.

Firstly, i am rudely awakened by Connie shouting for help, she has tried to remove a paint tub of corn field cream from the top shelf of the cupboard but it's burst opened and is cascading into a makeshift bucket she is holding underneath, so I start the morning covered in B&Q colors one coat matt emulsion.

We head out to see the Dream House with the rugged current Mr Bond, Daniel Craig which was decidedly average.

I plan to meet up with an old mate NickyZee, quite possibly one of the craziest people I have ever met. Don't know what she is like now, but back then she was mad for it and would do about anything the boys would do. Haven't seen her in eighteen years and I'm really looking forward to it. Last time I seen her I think that we were probably very drunk and might have been standing on top of a car that didn't belong to us, but I can't be sure.

However, I have to cancel at the last minute due to an emergency at home with one of the kids which results in a very long wait in Edinburgh's finest Royal Infirmary Accident Emergency department.

Now don't worry, everybody is alive and well but the purpose of mentioning this is to highlight how bad the nhs actually is.

The doctors and nurses do their best with the equipment and funding they have but otherwise this is a complete shambles.

Regardless of what time of day you end up in a&e your guaranteed to wait for seven hours or so and have to put up with drunken arseholes that always seem to get seen quicker.

One such drunk was claiming he was the messiah and as if we needed any confirmation on the subject it said so on his bus pass which he was taking great pleasure in showing people while trying to blag a cigarette from anyone that would talk back to him.

Great, I'm stuck in a waiting room with a very drunk, chain smoking weedgie claiming to be the messiah.

Thanks God, you could have at least sent someone more hygienic or just sent me an email if you wanted to get in touch.

The only thing holy about him was anorak, you know the type, green, padded, made by gola and smells of pee.

What happened to your classic stigmata, vision or epithamy, I've seen the light approach, but no, you send me someone from Harthill (a handgun free zone)

It was like a scene out of life of Brian, "hail the messiah", "he isn't coming out, he's been a very naughty boy"

After several choruses of "please release me, let me go" apparently the only lyrics he knew he eventually went home or at least for another pint and a kebab.

I can't help thinking its like a bad version of the blues brothers "On a mission from god" except the music is more pissed weedgie karaoke than Ray Charles or a little James Brown going on. Owwww, a little James Brown, owwwww, hit me....owwwww, get down.

Luckily he left, because if I had to suffer one more verse of Engelbert Humperdinck I was ready to rush the nut on Rab C Nesbitt here and give him something better to be in A&E for, than just to be drunk and in charge of a religious bus pass.

Once the drunk left though its amazing how quickly you run out of things to eye spy and there's only so many times that you can solve the same Metro's suduko puzzle.

Crossword clue, 14 across, 8 letters, "Jesus" something E, something S, something something something H. Still can't solve it.

I would like to report that A&E does however have a nice collection of paper boats and origami shurikans made out of some handy how to check you're own prostrate leaflets.

I'm sorry if you need one of these leaflets while your waiting, but your going to have to unfold one but the long and short of it is they stick a finger in your ass and feel around to see if the wheetabix is larger than it should be.

I also read in the paper that a local window company Lochinvar has gone into liquidation of whom for years had the advertising slogan "better by far, Lochinvar" seems a bit ironic now.

Got home at 1am, tired as hell from sitting on benches that quite frankly have less ergonomic attributes than a police stations holding cell.

I hate all things hospitals and should I ever have to face any type of operation I may consider googling it and trying it at home.