I swear this is true.

When I was a kid, my mum and dad had a friend called Joe,
and he was notoriously tight. Really mean.

He was balding, in fact had quite a big bald patch,
but instead of forking out for a wig....

HE MADE A TOUPEE.
YES. I FUCKING KID YOU NOT.

From a piece of dark brown fabric, copydex glue
and hair trimmings (not all of them his own)
he fashioned a sort of hairy mat, which he wore like a judge
wears a black hankie on his head when he is
pronouncing the death sentence.

I PROMISE YOU THIS IS THE TRUTH.

My sister and I loved seeing him as it was the best
entertainment available (online porn hadn't been invented yet).
We'd point and laugh wetting ourselves, sometimes literally.

Mum and dad of course would bribe us
not to look and point and scream with mirth at him
(like that was ever going to work).

He eventually got a proper wig, and we forgot all about him.

Until a minute ago.

Mum just called me and told me he died 2 days ago.