Remember, remember

Well, this date being chosen, I always will, remember it, that is.

Didn't sleep well. Tried to get hold of #1 son and #1 daughter in law as arranged and did - eventually, while walking across the Meadows. All well there.

Out to take some holly pics - Christmas cards?

I was early for the main event. How did it go? I suppose as expected. Some anger and recriminations (me), some annoyance and stone walling (and I suspect a few lies) (M).

Gallons of water with my fish which seemed better than M's lamb. The prosaic and mundane amongst the pain.

And it was painful, and still no explanations. Things are no better than what went before happiness is not apparent so why dismantle what we had, for what? M is determined though, fixed in the path ahead. I'm expendable, well I have to be for the moving on to happen.

What do you do when you see someone make what you think is the worst decision ever in their life? How do you stop them, especially when you are at the centre of it? You can't, you just have to watch it happen and weep.

What was put on the table was generous - I can't complain.

After a couple of outbursts we parted on relatively good terms with hugs, kisses and promises to keep in touch, well M's promises.

I walked back in the crisp, late afternoon sun and then, after a few long texts, expunging the feelings, I went to bed, too tired and emotionally drained to cope, hugging the hot water bottle under the security of the duvet. I don't want this but I can't stop it. I still have the suspicion I was lied to though, I don't think taking G to La G was a last minute thing, but no use dwelling on that. I'm not going back.

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

I know what I need, I need M.

Another sadness today, a text from K told me J's husband had died yesterday, so there may be a trip to Aberdeen. So sad, I liked him a lot. Last saw him at Portiragnes when I stayed in 2010.

This is a backblip as I was trying to sleep to block out the pain and the feelings. Luckily there were no fireworks between the two of us but plenty of loud bangs after dark, but the scaffolding very effectively blocks the view. So this is my Guy Fawkes night redburst - a beautiful acer in Arden Street.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you.