puppy dog eyes

Mark comes to my desk today and doesnt look happy that his locker room picture has been posted on the tinterweb. In addition, the insurance company has now finally offered a reasonable settlement.

However, the purpose of this blip is to apologise to my father:

Dear Dad

Do you remember that time that I was 17 and I borrowed your beige mark 1 fiesta, you know the one with the burnt orange seats that didnt fold down properly.

Well, that time the handbrake stuck on and you thought it was because we had a hard frost the night before. Well, I would like to come clean and apologise that this wasnt the frosts fault. No, it was because we had been doing hand brake turns down the beach car park in it, it seized on and would only allow forward driving motion.

This furthermore is why it was parked in the driveway nose first instead of your preferred method of reverse parking. It is also the reason that as a mechanic you spent the first two hours of your working day in the freezing cold unseizing this.

For this I truly apologise, it was reckless and highly irresponsible.

You would have thought I would have learned my lesson over the years, never to abuse my parents automobile again, however I havent really grown up very much and have once again being in the position that I have borrowed a car from you I find myself compelled to tell you the following.

Now dont worry, I havent crashed it or anything, think of it more like top gear testing.

The car does a top speed of 72.4 miles an hour while going up hill, 84 miles an hour in a straight line, although I am unable to find a straight line any longer to test this further. Amazingly, it also does 95 miles an hour while travelling down a steep hill with a strong tail wind. However, you have to have balls of steel to do this, think Donald Campbell or Ayrton Senna material. I dont think that its appropriate that you have ripspeed foot mats. I can also confirm that all 5 forward gears are in their somewhere, but they appear to be in the wrong order.

I have a crash helmet in the house that I think I might start to travel in, this will make sure nobody can see me driving it. It will also make me feel safer when your driving as when you took me home the other night I feared for my life and especially the safety of the cyclist that you almost ran over. He was so close that I could have pushed the poor chap off his bike.

It might be hard while wearing the crash helmet to roll down the window and shout "get out the way" to other road users, but I will try my best for everybody's safety.

Anyways, I digress. Thank you for leaving the tools in the boot, I have no practical use for these, but they seem to increase the handling of the car quite considerably. The weight transference while going around a corner is very helpful and apart from the annoying fact that pencils, sharpeners, boat parts and a disturbing my little pony fly across the acres of plastic dashboard anything above 3000 revs. I am guessing at 3000 revs as it doesn't actually have a rev counter, however it is somewhere between idling speed and explosion.

I would also like to apologise as I think that something may or may not have fallen off it last night while Connie and I were out having some food at the Longniddry In. If this part turns out to be important I can return to the long straight between Longniddry and the Prestonpans roundabout with a metal detector ( not yet purchased) and see if I can find it. Im sure that it wasn't an expensive or important part and it has made no difference to the performance, handling or fuel consumption.

So, I apologise profusely to yourself and your nissan micra, but I would strongly recommend that you fix my golf gti banger as soon as possible to avoid further complications.

Best Regards
Your Son

ps. I watched Derren Brown tonight, so if your feeling hacked off, look in the to the puppy dog eyes, look into the puppy dog eyes, your feeling much better, look into the puppy dog eyes, you would like a sandwich, look into the puppy dog eyes, the kettles just boiled..........your feeling sleepy.....