courage

Posting this took a LOT of courage. I'm still not sure whether or not I want to hit the publish button. See, I often write in here about being insecure -- how I don't like my body. And that's why I always just post pictures of my head. But then I was even looking at yesterday's blip and I can see all the weight I've gained in my face. And it's like... Everyone tells me they don't see what I see, they think I look fine/good, but I don't. I was looking at pictures of me from my high school graduation, and I was so much thinner. I've gained 50 pounds in the past four years of college. Even when I was 50 pounds lighter, I was still insecure, but this... This is gross. People can tell me I look fine, but then I look at an objective, scientific Body Mass Index calculator that tells me I'm obese. Not just overweight, but obese. Even when I was 50 pounds lighter, I was just a little into the overweight section... now I'm more than a little into the obese section. And it's sick. It sickens me. But I have no self-control, no power to change it. I just keep going with my disgusting lifestyle. I've tried to fix it on several occasions and it only ends up lasting like one or two days. I hate it. I hate my lack of self-control. But I can't just fix it. It doesn't work like that, not for me. But I'm hoping maybe posting this here, actually SEEING it will encourage me... but I doubt it. Because even though I *KNOW* this is what I look like, I don't FEEL like I look like that. I feel like I am beautiful, but then I see this and know I am wrong. I just... I guess I wanted to post this here, to show you what I REALLY am.

Because I never believe anybody when they say I'm not as bad as I think.